Ross Fisher

I hit my head on the cabinet above the RV bed a few days ago, hard. It shook the RV, Kasey heard it through the noise cancelling headphones. A few days later, I started to get tinnitus that comes and goes. It’s 5am right now, it’s been pretty miserable.

Of course, I tripped myself out by doing some googling.

Everything else seems alright. I knew who the president was shortly after the bonk, pupils look fine. I did have a bit of vertigo the other day, but it went away.

I’m just frustrated, tired, a bit scared, a bit anxious, and mad that I hit my head. Being tired makes everything worse.

I’m listening to sermons and trying to keep my mind off of it.

Here’s to a speedy recovery

We’ve been here three weeks, the reality of it still hasn’t set in due to my project load. Fans are in, no more frozen pipes. Actuators are off the roof and being replaced. In fact

Every single one has water in them. Yeah… IP66 rated my ass.

They are sending new ones, I’ll be sealing them myself this time.

Mostly been cleaning, the cleaning and organization never stops! 3D printing. Doing electronics projects. Special heated bag is on the way for the water filter so we can have tasty water year round.

Been deep into Home Assistant. Built an epaper display and tablet dashboard. I’d post photos but iCloud photos on Windows sucks.

I don’t go into the house very much. Mike sleeps during the day and the dogs bark when you go inside every. single. time. They are getting him a chair for upstairs, which will be nice.

Have a bit of an ear infection from Airpods. Been using a bit of medication. I’ve never really liked the Airpods Pro in ear experience, I don’t like them IN my ears, especially as I like to sleep with headphones.

Things have been chill. Will be cleaning and organizing, figuring what goes in here tomorrow, the day after, likely forever. It’s quiet here, it feels safe. All is working towards feeling good driving the RV for trips and it be sane and comfortable, as sane as having a shit-ton of solar panels on a roof can be, ha!

Going back to bed soon, goodnight!

I shit my brains out before, a lot, also was pretty nauseous. I had Cheerios the night before to be easy on my tummy.

I didn’t sleep well the two days leading up to, but eventually figured it out. We got on the road and I ugly cried in fear on the interstate, driving past my bubble. Once we were about 20-30 minutes in, I started to relax and start to remember driving up Keystone so many times before.

Headache, still wired up, but no longer panicking for the rest of the hour and a half trip! It was breaking free of the bubble, I haven’t driven further than 15 minutes from home for three years! I felt like I could drive anywhere!

There is so much to write about but I’m so fucking tired and sore right now. My last post, I was writing about how I told mom not to come on Sunday as I didn’t sleep the night before. I was in the middle of writing, literally, how I cancelled and knock knock, she was there. It’s all out of love, of course, I wasn’t upset with her, although, I did feel like my boundaries were being violated.

It worked out more than well though! They drove the RV and Jeep back, I stayed at Lo’s house overnight for Kasey to get back from Seattle. They took a route off the interstate, and thank god, the front solar panel array lifted up due to the wind! It could have easily ripped down power lines, stoplights!

The route they took, and by the time they were up to speed, thankfully, was clear. They stopped at Love’s and a nice gentlemen fixed it up for them with my suggestion of duct tape!

I prayed, a lot. I listened to the DARE app on driving and feeling trapped. Meditation helped me sleep, surrender. The absolute peak panic came, 11/10, and I just kept driving and pushing forward. My mindset was to teach my anxiety that I am safe, to accept and allow it. I was smart to do things the way I did, I had no “escape” or reason to go back, something to keep in mind every time I do an exposure!

We also went into town and found the dump station! We also had some BK. Town is a 15 minute drive one way and it’s pretty nice.

It’s quiet out here, it’s so nice, but will take a moment to get used to. No more traffic, gunshots, sirens, hecklers. No more busyness and rush hour. No more “curses” or being trapped in Indy!

Time for sleep now, goodnight from the middle of nowhere!

It’s a frigid 22F outside right now, the cold is radiating off the walls in the bedroom and the air is dry. It’s 2am and I laid down around 9pm. Kasey will be back in Indy 23 hours from now and I’ll be up at the farm in about 10-12.

Lo ordered Wingstop for dinner and I couldn’t resist, fingers crossed this cup of mini-wheats helps settle my tummy.

The drive is an hour and 19 minutes, just a bit longer than my lunch breaks that seem to go by so quickly. I’m considering asking Lo to go with me up to Logansport. I love my mom, but I’ve never really panicked around her.

I took the RV with Jeep in tow and went on the interstate for a bit earlier today. The rig is quite heavy loaded down and lack of acceleration makes for some interesting interstate merging experiences. Once on the road, it’s still a bit busy at the wheel due to the high steer ratio, but something that you can get used to.

I remain surprised that the solar panels didn’t seem to impact the driving experience. Of course, I’ve yet to drive in very high wind, but I did space the panels out to not act like a sail and face directly into the wind flat as to not act like a wing.

Lo coming up poses an issue of how she would get back home, she works the next day. The whole reason why Mom and Mike are coming down was due to Kasey’s car needing to make it up there somehow. Mom doesn’t drive on the interstate so even if Lo came up, she’d be driving her car.

What if Lo just comes up and Mike drives her back? Same amount of driving for them. Mom and Mike want to get here at 9-10am and it just feels too early for me.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter ultimately and I know it’s my brain scrambling to somehow escape the possible discomfort. I just need to keep thinking of all the other times I made it, even further distances and was fine.

I remember driving back and from Lafayette on almost the daily to see Brooke and my outpatient when things were falling apart with Amanda. That was a 49 minute drive each way and I left at like 7-8am, wild. I’d drive up with Elaine to Michigan to see her family about once a month during my last round of full blown agoraphobia.

Speaking of that, the major times I’ve had it was after major traumatic experiences; the kind that just doesn’t happen to other people. For example, my grandmother died and my uncle was killed the night before her funeral, he flew in from CA and I was the last one from he family to see him alive. He was drunk, mom sent me to go get him and he was acting a fool. “Family friends” he knew since childhood offered to take him home, called mom and yeah; the mom the kids knew him since childhood.

He got into an altercation and a fight, they left him out in the country to die, in the cold, drunk and alone. I found out going into the funeral home for my grandmother, they called me upstairs and asked me to identify a man in photos.

My first divorce was a month or so after, got called into the police station, thinking they were going to ask me about my deceased uncle; started asking me questions about child abuse instead. Yeah, bad times. Lola isn’t in my life at all now and while I was there as a father, never missed a single weekend or vacation regardless of how bad my anxiety was, I always came through for her.

I won’t mention this last divorce, I’ve blogged about it too much already, invested too much time dissecting and trying to understand. I do understand, I was with a spiritual narcissist who used me as supply as the person their ex was cheating on them with made her wet and became “available” again after ghosting her out of jealousy. Some of the things she said and believed was over the line of being insane and the entitlement and victim blaming, all the way down to blatant cis male hatred of an ally, of someone who is rather queer crushed me.

I hate all of the things she took away from me, I hate she took my freedom and I’ve been trapped here since 2020. I was sad that my marriage was stolen from me, we didn’t even have a moment to celebrate it. I hate that she ultimately took away my kid and being a father.

But even the hate and sadness has faded by now. It’s been longer now by a few times than I even knew her. It’s just a few triggers that bring it up again. Like, the last time I was at my mom’s was when I found their sex playlist and it set me off, so she kicked me out (of a house I was paying for, mind you). We talked on the phone some days later and I couldn’t get over the absolute fucking “joy” in her voice that there’s a possibility of them living together, like what the fuck?

I mean, it all doesn’t matter and I have other stories. Relationships can be tough and not knowing when to leave can be a very stressful thing indeed. I actually can have quite a bit of grace about it all, there’s moments I forgive and let go. Like, I found someone that’s pretty awesome and is actually up for traveling with me, where’s the glowing and positive blog posts about her, huh?

They’ll come, eventually. Blogs about trips and cute photos. Pretty winter photos of the windows glowing in the RV against a snowy, dusk skyline.

It’s just so helpful for me to journal, blog and use it as a way to vent, most of all. My life on the daily is pretty anxiety free and I found some peace here and there, some loving contentment. I cuddle Kasey a bit tighter, for a bit longer. I make some more time to maintain, repair, love. Stoke the fire, keep things going.

And as neurotic as I may find her sometimes, it’s just a reminder that I also tend to be a ball of anxiety and I think at the end of the day, we get each other more than if one of us was not. Like, her trip to Seattle isn’t going very well from what she told me and she’s so worried bout being a Debbie downer and a burden as she has emotions about seeing her “estranged” roommate (estranged as a joke about something else).

She’s really grown on me.

Lo has also been an absolute rock-star helping with the move, I couldn’t have gotten everything done in time without her! I’m so glad we were able to transition into a good friendship and can show up for each other in that way.

I’m actually feeling a bit more settled now, shall we sleep?

My next post should be from the farm! Fingers crossed I get out of Indy and just settle into the drive. There’s something meditative about it, even boring if I let it be.

The house will be done today. Kasey actually gets in Monday at 1am so she won’t be joining me for my maiden voyage. Lo has been such a trooper, I wouldn’t of been able to finish the house on my own with Kasey in Seattle this week!

It is cold outside, 26F last night and only a high of 31 today. The heated mattress pad is a godsend, I think all RVs for winter camping should have one!

My only job is to finish up today and get good rest in tonight. Whatever tomorrow brings, everything is easier not having been up all night. Am I nervous? Yeah. Am I ready to be out of Indy? Oh yeah. Mom said that Mike is very sweet and understanding, he doesn’t care if it takes us 6 hours to make it to Logansport and will tag along the whole way in case he needs to take over driving the RV.

I do wish that Kasey was with us. However, she would have been following us driving her car up anyway.

It’s kinda funny to think that this drive is pretty normal, regular for everyone else and past versions of myself. I used to drive up to my momma’s from Lafayette quite often, Indianapolis once a month or so. Lo and I drove up in the Prius and it was a pretty chill drive, caught pretty heat lightning on the way back, coupled with some NRE back then.

There are parts of me getting excited. Hanging out with fam over Christmas, being away from the noise, traffic, crime, bullshit of Indianapolis. I have my Bambu Labs X1 3D printer being delivered Wednesday to the farm which I’m super stoked about!

There are some parts of me that I will miss. Lianna, Lo, and relative comfort with the area. I’ll be leaving behind the last chapter of my life, even if most of it was stress, trauma, and bullshit; people become addicted to their emotions, used to and comfortable feeling a certain way and healing, calm, contentment can feel uncomfortable, alien. That’s what I’ve been working back to this past year, a feeling of general calm, some laziness, contentment. The art of not doing, deceptively difficult in some seasons in your life.

I also met Kasey here and even went downtown to see her place! It felt so good stepping in her front door and laying in her bed, the same bed I’m sitting on now in the RV.

There’s not much else to say, I should nap a bit more and get started with my day!

Kasey left for the airport about half an hour ago, yes, it’s currently 4:28am. I packed up and decided to come to Lo’s house. I did manage to get some sleep in and I’ll be sleeping more here shortly.

Lo works today, it’ll be the first day alone for awhile. Kasey won’t be returning until 1am the day of our move up north. I’m really happy that she’s going, Seattle sounds like a great time and it’ll be good for her to see her best friend for awhile. I gave her the camera to take with her and told her to capture why I should move out West with her in a few years.

The house is nearly done, it’s down to getting rid of the rest of the odds and ends and general cleanup. Thankfully, I’ll have Lo’s help! She’s been such an awesome person these last few years, I hope she stays in my life for a long time.

I’m honestly anxious about the drive up, fuck, I’m anxious about writing about it as I don’t want to predetermine my experience or put effort into making it into a bigger thing than it needs to be. I’m anxious about being at my mom’s, the last time I was there it was when Amanda told me to leave and I spent time in the basement on the phone with her, hearing how giddy she was about the potential of moving in with Kayden while our marriage was falling apart.

I’ve been thinking about what the arbiter said during our divorce, “She’s so mad, Ross”, I must of heard it several times from him. Mad about what? And does it really matter? It doesn’t. Mad about having to take some accountability, I imagine. You can read all the books you want on evil men and demonize someone because your crush came back after abandoning you, but it doesn’t change the fact that what happened was aberrant.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to make sense of from the start, that still nags here and there now is the feeling of being blindsided and the 180 personality change. Now I can just chalk it up to NRE and that makes sense. Like Darla said, it really didn’t have anything to do with me and there was no stopping her fawning over him. I can still take accountability for choosing to date someone so emotionally addicted and volatile, I know the red flags now, I’ve learned how to have standards, boundaries and how to say no.

I had my moment getting into woo and it’s led me to a greater understanding of how self affirming and how much of a self fulfilling prophecy it can be. I think there are good ways of approaching eastern religion, Zen Buddhism and more grounded practice, but I’ve learned to run from people who talk to themselves and attribute their ego as being “spirit guides”.

My old therapist talked about creating characters in your head, make superheros for yourself and ask what they would do as a support and coping mechanism and I think in the correct context, it can be beneficial. But something feels dangerous about going so far to attribute that to the will of the universe. It was NRE with some batshit crazy attribution of the ego as a god of sorts, and that’s the issue I have with most sects of new age religion.

My old landlord ripped apart her family and went through a divorce because her spirit guides told her that her husband owned her as a slave in the past life. Imagine being so insane, right?

Like, I get the mysticism of pulling cards and getting into that space, just “knowing” things and directing your spiritual energy in certain ways. Like most things, there’s a thread of truth there. I just think that it’s important to view it more as a tool to talk to yourself and approach things slightly differently and know that you are the one writing that narrative.

There’s so many interesting things I learned while allowing myself to be in that space, it helped me get in touch with my intuition and while it certainly felt strange at first, almost supernatural, I’ve come to terms that it’s my ability as an empath, social skills, and “tuning in” in a way to the world around me and my inner mind.

Jessica was also quite unhinged, she had these irrational and very strong feelings, all the way back from the day she briefly met me once that we had some destiny to be together, or some shit. She showed me her journals even from back then. If I take a step back and think for a moment, yeah, I tend to attract people and quickly make friends. I’m vulnerable, open in a way other people typically aren’t and found that I had crushes and interest all the way back to middle and high school (that I was completely oblivious to at the time).

In poly, I’ve had people be swept off their feet pretty quickly, often to my determent as they were willing to be far more invested and willing than I was able to be. Ashley got pretty attached super fast, Brooke was a really nice and empathetic person; actually, one of the kindest people I met and I thank her for being there early on. It totally wasn’t her job, but I also don’t have to feel bad because she chose to be there, and she also chose when she was done.

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I just think back to my trip to Portland with Amanda. If I went now, if Kasey and I flew out there, there would be a lot more cuddling, holding hands, sex. I try really hard with Kasey to stay physically connected and take time out to make space for that. I think that a core issue of Amanda and I was that I never was quite able to share how I felt about her, with her and even if I wasn’t going to coddle her while getting over someone else, as that wasn’t my job, there could have been much more connection.

I got viewed as the distant, emotionally stoic engineer and that became my identity. Marriage was to “share health insurance” and it wasn’t like I was very close, fuck, even during our wedding. Something was just off, broken, something didn’t mesh well. Kayden ruined us is what happened, for real, because I remember all the time early on we did spend cuddling and physically close, then once we moved in and she got deep into her depression, there just wasn’t room for us anymore.

I remember watching the last man on earth with her on the shitty leather couch we had and how heavy, unavailable she felt. There was that specific evening that I just knew that things were different and made the decision to just kinda do my own thing, give her time and space to come out of it. But she never did and I got blamed for not being there, then it was flies on shit the moment he texted back.

It’s just so funny on some level that I’m here again, not really, but LOL. Partner is off to see her “estranged” roommate and I’m hanging out with Lo. Of course, the situation is completely different and Kasey and I got a fuckton of cuddles in this morning, but it’s just funny how things repeat on some level. No fault of hers, at all, I’m really happy she’s going on her trip, it provides me with some good space to work through some abandonment trauma from Amanda in a way.

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It’s my last week here in Indy. I think I’m going to be much happier once out of here and “back on the road”, or at the least, I’ve proven to myself that I’m no longer stuck here. I’m just anxious about the drive. It’s been three years since I’ve really left the city, well, technically, I have driven down 70 and left Marion County.

This is a good half hour

I just think about how going into town is a 15 minute drive at least. Yes, I know it’s going to be really good for me. Yes, I know that it’s likely going to be so much easier once I’m just out and already there. It’s just scary right now and that’s okay.

We’ll be having to go into town to dump the tanks every few days or so. Thankfully, there’s a free dump station at a park in town which is so nice. France park is only 15 minutes away and once it’s warm enough to go hang out on the beach, I’m going to have such a good time.

No more $2k a month rent with utilities! That alone is going to be awesome. No more fucking crime, worrying about getting shot, and so on. God, I’ve been in Indy too long, I never wanted to live here. Big traffic, roads, interstates, no thanks.

I am worried about being out in the country being so fucking boring though, but that’s perfect as it’ll motivate me to go do things and travel. My family hits the road in their RV for retirement come 2024, we’ll trek the country together.

I think I’m going to end up loosing weight being in the RV, too, which will be good for me. I’m 35 now, keeping health in mind is going to become more important as I get older.

But anyway, I’m tired and should sleep. I have a busy day at work coming up today and I want to do a good job. Goodnight!

The heated mattress pad is certified awesome, it’s currently 20F outside and if it wasn’t for the cold walls, I wouldn’t be able to tell! The diesel heater is also certified fresh, temperature control is pretty nice and constant through the night.

I slept okay, still not 100% but all things considered, pretty well. I have a bit of a runny nose and I’m tempted to think that since we were exposed to COVID over thanksgiving that we have a mild case. We ended up delaying our move for time so Kasey can comfortably go to Seattle and not worry about logistics, to provide time to finish house stuff since we’ve been dragging, and so we can get her car moved all in one go.

I’m excited to use the coffee maker this morning, I picked a new one up last night as mine went defunct. I also picked up a bunch of different teas to keep me cozy and happy in the RV.

I don’t care to go into a bunch of details, but fuck my landlord. They, for some reason, put my lease end date at December 3rd when I very clearly told them that the vacate date was December 22nd, the end of the lease date. I was on the phone for much longer than I cared to be yesterday. It’s sorted now.

The kitchen counter will be done today, it’s been a three day project. It’s going to look so nice and properly done. I’ll post pictures.

This is a shorter one, it’s coffee time and maybe snoozing time

Joyce went to Lo and Linley’s last night. While I’m very happy she found a home, I found myself more sad than I expected. I don’t have to worry about her being out in the cold, unless she wants to be as they have a doggo door.

Bottlecap has a new, more slim automatic litterbox coming for the RV and I believe I’ll use the crystals instead of the dusty litter to keep dust down. There is some cat proofing I need to do as delicate RV materials are not a match for sharp kitty claws. We were in an RV together before, I hope she adjusts well again.

I had a better day yesterday, even if only running on ~5 hours of sleep. I’m currently up now due to having heartburn and being cold due to accidentally managing to turn the heater off in my sleep; must have rolled over on the remote. Thankfully it’s around 50F outside at the moment, so not awfully chilly.

It’s supposed to get down in the 20’s tomorrow/tomorrow night after being 60 and very windy today, hello early Winter in the Midwest.

I’ve decided to remove the stock propane stove in the RV and go with something much better, an induction cooktop plus a 10-1 convection oven/air dryer.

New 2x 15A outlet installed

I found a Ninja XL unit that’ll fit the space just about perfectly and ends up being a larger oven than the stock RV oven, which is embarrassing for the shitty propane RV oven. I agonized over the Cyber Monday $199 unit or the $349 unit with automatic cooking in temperature probe mode, I decided to use $55 in Best Buy certificates and get the more expensive one, feeling a bit more protected with the “Total Tech” bullshit two year warranty with accidental damage protection that was included with my BB membership (yes, I eventually caved in).

Ha, the RV is rocking a bit due to the wind at the moment.

I bought some wood and other materials to fill the hole in the countertop so it’s flat. I’m going to 3D print some legs for the oven so it sits higher in the cavity so baking sheets, pans, whatever can nest under the unit. I even bought a square dowel to follow the contours of the countertop so it looks nice, some stain, urethane water based sealant.

The propane line is capped off! That’s two less propane appliances in here and only two remaining, which I’ll keep for backup; the water heater, which can run off of electricity and I have set to dump excess solar panel power to, and the propane heater who’s job has been taken over by the heat pump and diesel heater.

Propane is expensive and has always been a pain in the ass to get filled as it’s not like you can swap out the tanks in this unit as it has a permanent tank installed. You can go through a whole $30-40 fill in a weekend running the propane furnace and then you have to find a place that can fill the tank. Diesel is expensive, but easy to refill and $40 will last you more like a week or two, depending on outside temps with a diesel heater.

I am so very happy that the heat pump kicks so much ass, though! When temps are mild outside, like 40-50F it’ll draw around 500W to maintain temps in here. At around 19F outside, it’ll run at around 1.000-1,200W. When in cooling mode it’s more efficient and will draw around 500-700W even when 80-90F outside.

The duct mod I did is SO FUCKING AWESOME. I pretty much nailed it with how much airflow gets directed to the front of the RV and the bedroom on the first try. I can even just close the curtain in the bedroom and just use the unit to heat the bedroom if it gets really cold or hot outside; that’ll come in a lot of use in the summer when running off of solar only to conserve energy.

My little cardboard duct will end up being more permanent for now until I can get around to 3D printing something nicer. I’m leaving myself plenty to do for sitting in an RV at my mom’s, in the country this winter. I have both some shows to watch and some little projects to do.

More wind gusts gently rocking the RV, there were tornadoes in The South yesterday which is nuts for December. I think it’s the only real downside to the RV and being mobile, having to do more work to ensure you are safe in case of bad weather, have a plan in case the sirens go off as you don’t wanna be caught in an RV.

I do feel well prepared in most other situations, though. I have 4 heat sources in the RV, of which use 4 different fuel sources (propane, diesel, gasoline, and solar/electric). The solar is backed up by a generator and when we travel, the Jeep will be towed behind us, not only giving us a pretty extreme off road vehicle, but another engine/heat source.

For air conditioning, I have 3 sources, 4 with the Jeep, which can run off of solar/electric and gasoline generator. I can also start the RV or Jeep and use the aircon provided by the vehicles.

All of these are independent sources, normally we’d be plugged in somewhere but in case of grid failure, such as what happened in Texas awhile back, we’d be sitting pretty for a few weeks and practically indefinitely with good sunlight.

The only real blockers, same as in a submarine, is water and food. We have water bottles that afford us to drink out of streams and the like; the big ass water filter for the RV can also be used to fill the tanks in the RV from a clear running water source or rainwater. I do keep some freeze dried food onboard, some Huel, and our normal foodstuffs.

It’s more likely that security would be a bigger concern in case of societal collapse, people seeing the big solar panels on the roof and the aircon running. It’s also not very defensible in case of zombie apocalypse.

But practically speaking, it does allow us to be flexible as we don’t have to rely on only camping where there are hookups which opens a whole ton of options for us. State parks, people’s driveways, campgrounds that allow dry camping. The RV and what it has become is very cool.

I suddenly got tired so I’ll go back to sleep, goodnight!

The memory foam bed sucked, even with the topper. Adding the topper led to sinking in the middle, it was pretty miserable. It also collected water under the bed, which is gross (breath condensation).

I did the “impossible”, I successfully shortened a wrapped spring mattress! It wasn’t too hard, either. My RV takes a short queen, this is our bed from our bedroom; a full queen. It’s a Helix mattress and thanks to the construction, it was easy as removing some foam, then pulling out a few rows of springs. I removed two rows of big soft springs and replaced it with the two rows of skinny firm springs to maintain edge rigidity.

Some spray adhesive keeps the springs in place, just like factory! The cover was taught from the factory, so rezipping without shortening the cover actually works well as the difference between a queen and short queen is only a few inches!

The final results look swank as well.

Sleeping in the RV was much more comfortable and familiar on this mattress. My lungs also feel a bit better, I really do think the class action against the Zinth mattress with the fiberglass bullshit is a real thing (the mattress I removed). I’ve owned three and all three led to some breathing issues that were just slight enough that it was difficult to pin down that it was exactly the issue.

I have a new Kuerig arriving today for the RV, found a single cup maker like I had for half off thanks to Cyber Monday. I use a re-usable pod with my own coffee, decaf, I’ve been caffeine free for about a year and a half now. The ancient one I got from Linley, an original model finally kicked the bucket and the single cup maker I got from mom for Father’s day was in rough shape and stopped working. I’d do well to velcro this one to the RV kitchen countertop or 3D print a holder so it doesn’t go flying around.

I also have a heated, dual zone mattress pad coming as the bedroom in the RV can get just a bit chilly. Even with the heat running, the walls and floor can get cold, especially in the slide-out of the bedroom.

I ended up cancelling my Amazon Prime subscription and I’m boycotting Amazon due to their changed return policy, and shit return experiences this year. I’ve had so many returns go missing or be delayed, the latest was an AMD processor I specifically paid for shipping for so I had a tracking number. The local UPS store just throws everything into several boxes all together when doing “free” returns and things go missing constantly.

This last time around I waited a whole fucking month for a return and a T2 couldn’t refund it as they usually do when calling in after two weeks. It was especially frustrating as the return box contained two equally priced items and I got the refund for the second item in the same shipment within days. I bet whoever did the return stole or just overlooked the second item.

First world problems for sure. I’ve switched to Walmart as they deliver from store both here and at my mom’s, eBay, Ardoama and others. Not like Walmart is much better with their worker treatment, etc, capitalism.

Anyway, enough bitching! I do have to say that I’m very impressed with the RV’s electrical system, even during the winter months with little sun/solar generation. See, I’m plugged into a 15Amp plug on the side of the house and set a firm 15Amp power limit so I don’t overload the circuit, which was an issue with my last RV with the circuit tripping and slow melting of the plug.

Now the Victron inverter just takes power out of the battery bank to assist above 1,500W and recharges the battery when needed, super seamless and awesome! Now I can run the aircon, heaters, water heater, computers, whatever off of the limited 15A shore and not worry about it.

I think I do eventually want to figure out grid-tie inversion so any spare solar is dumped back into the source, very handy for some day when I have a house again to lower the electric bill and get the most out of my solar panel investment.

Today we will continue sorting and packing, figuring out what we want to have in the RV! The RV is due for a good organization and cleaning, I have laundry to do and minimization of my clothing for the RV. I took a shower in here for the first time in about a year, a new low GPM shower head just arrived to stretch the hot water just a little more. We also managed to fill the shitter yesterday, so we moved the RV and emptied it, haha.

I have a Bambu X1 Carbon pre-ordered which I’m super excited about! It’ll be my Christmas present and having a 3D printer on-board the RV is very useful for all manner of practical things. I need to design and print some monitor hold downs for our computers before we move the RV, for example.

I slept about 5-6 hours, could do with a nap today; but feeling less stressed and better! Have a good day!

It’s 4am in the RV, Kasey is fast asleep next to me. I have sweat around the ring of my neck and my shirt is somewhat damp and chilly from the evaporation around my armpits, arms. My chest, lungs have a tighter feel to them with dull pain in between my ribs. My nose could do with a good blowing.

I’ve checked the temperature and humidity. It’s a bit warm at 73F, I had set the heat pump’s thermostat to 88F as a test.

Humidity also seems to be a bit higher, it’s 41F outside and humidity is at 91%, 44% inside.

Wow, yeah; the RV front temp got up to 74F. Not bad at all for just the heat pump. The temperature of the air coming out of the heat pump stayed at around a solid 122F with a humidity of 11%. No longer having this air just dumped on us while sleeping is very nice.

We had “poly” thanksgiving last night, had some dinner and played some games. First time meeting Lianna’s partners, husband. It was also the first time I put the leaf in the table. Fun fact about the table, I specifically bought it when putting my house back together after Amanda and I stopped living together, 6 person table, 6 person couch, for polyamory. There were six of us in attendance.

I struggled just a little bit with being the only one there with a penis as I felt as if I was the odd one out in a way. Previously having your feminism and queerness questioned and compared, being invalidated and your “toxic masculinity” jealousy not only used against you, but to serve as someone else’s gender validation (Amanda forced us poly to be with her trans ex-roomate) was quite traumatizing and I’m still recovering from it in some ways.

Things were good, though! One thing is for certain that Lianna is pretty giggly around me, it’s cute. Both Kasey and I agreed that if we had continued to live here longer that we’d likely go deeper with Lianna in time. We have dinner scheduled for Friday, what is supposed to be the day before we leave.

Being in the RV is an adjustment, we cheated and stayed in the house last week when we should of been getting used to the space. The bed isn’t as comfortable as inside for sure, even with a new topper is a bit meh. We end up sinking towards each other a bit and this is the same mattress that was part of the Zinus lawsuit for fiberglass.

We shall try to put the full queen in today and see what we can do to try and make it fit (this RV uses a short Queen). It’s a hybrid wrapped coil spring mattress, so trying to cut it down, make it shorter would be.. interesting. I have some ideas.

About an hour later and it feels cooler in here, dropped by 2F in the bedroom to 70F. Front temp dropped from 74F to 68F. “Fridge temp” is the heat pump outlet air, I borrowed the temp sensor from the fridge for a bit. Lungs stopped hurting, too.

I had originally started this post out of feeling anxiety and being a bit disoriented in the RV. I had planned on talking all about anxiety about moving and especially the hour and a half drive up north. I wanted to panic and talk about all of the dreams being out on the road I’ve been having and the specific anxious thoughts and feelings I have when I think about being on some random highway far from “home” and panicking. I keep coming back to the thought of the RV being our home and wherever I go that I am home and it kinda short circuits it.

I don’t like living in Indianapolis. The traffic, the crime, the memories. The whole reason I moved here was due to meeting Amanda and wanting to try settling down with her. I currently live about 15 minutes away from where she had moved to during the divorce and the house I rented down the block, Indianapolis Eastside. Even after she moved again, I’m still within a 15-20 minute drive of her.

I think back to living in Lafayette and how much I loved that city, it had everything I wanted while still being easy to drive across town. The co-working center, gym, mom’s house is a 45 minute drive or so up north, straight shot. I think about all the times I drove up to mom’s house, alone and with someone and how the drive isn’t that bad. I think about no longer being in Indianapolis and how good that is going to be for me, not just moving away, but to get out of my bubble.

I want to sit here and panic about it, but it’s hard to as the truth is, I don’t know how I’m going to feel and can’t sit here and predetermine my experience. Yeah, sure, there’s going to be anxiety around the drive. Even if I have to pull over or come back “home”, the truth is, the lease is ending and I don’t have a choice. I also have everything I own and care about in the RV. I have a hot shower and private bathroom wherever I am, my gaming computer and camera, my partner and cat.

It’ll be nice to be at my family’s house, I know that I am safe there, even if they drive me a little nuts sometimes.

I also have several other experiences of this cycle; of agoraphobia, anxiety, and breaking free from it. It feels like it’s the right time to break free from it again, it’s the next goal and benchmark, the longer trip. Once I’m there, I’m there and had survived, the spiritual gaslighting curse broken, the final step.

Brains are dumb in some ways, “BUT WHAT IF YOU PANIC?” Yeah, and? What if I panic? How is it different than any other fucking time I’ve panicked? It’s uncomfortable, sure. It can be very much so. But it hasn’t killed us and can’t. There isn’t going to be that one panic attack that “finally” takes me out. In fact, even though these last few years have been some of the most challenging of my life, it just means that we’ve panicked in slightly new and different ways and it still hasn’t taken me out.

Oh no, panicking while driving. I guess I’ll just have to shake and cry in my big ass RV with the Jeep in tow. May even have to pull over and jump in the shower WITH RUNNING, HEATED WATER and take a nervous shit in MY PRIVATE BATHROOM. May even need to take a moment and play on my BOMB ASS GAMING PC or PET MY CAT. Could even LAY DOWN AND CUDDLE MY PARTNER. Sounds pretty terrible, huh? 🤣

Panic was being on the flight back from Portland in rough turbulence coming into Salt Lake City airport and death gripping the chair arms while pinning my leg so it hurt as a point of focus until we were on the ground. And even though we swore we’d rent a car and drive the rest of the way back, the flight back was actually pretty awesome and very calm. Even if that flight was even worse, I guess I’d just have to puke and get it over with, I’d feel better after and we’d eventually get on the ground, one way or another. The discomfort would eventually end, regardless of what happened and flight is the safest form of travel.

I’m just ready to be out and while I think living at mom’s forever isn’t desirable or wanted, I’m IN A FUCKING RV! Like Jesus Christ, I’m in an RV and not pinned down or trapped anywhere 😆 If I wanna go back to Lafayette for a bit, I can, if I wanna fuck off and go to Nashville, IN and spend every day in the Inn having breakfast and checking out the shops, I CAN. If I get tired of the cold and wanna park my ass on the beach in Florida and go shirtless every day, go swimming, I CAN. Man, imagining going on a lunch break and noticing the sound of the ocean outside your window, walking onto the beach and collecting some shells?

Travel scares the fuck out of me.. but like, should it? As long as we have the RV, or at least the ability to rent a hotel and have transportation, is it really that scary? Things are much more alike than they are different around the world. People still have two eyes, two ears, they breathe oxygen and most of us like fast food. Something in my brain thinks that anything outside of my little bubble doesn’t exist or that gravity is inverted or something. It’s the same feeling that sailors must of had thinking they’d navigate their ship off the edge of that flat earth, just waiting for the sudden and unexpected feeling to free fall forever when they hit the edge, but the thing is, they were right there to catch themselves all along and it ended up being more of the same, not different.

I think there’s beauty in that, there’s God in that somehow and it’s quite poetic. I’ll just keep driving and there will continue to be road, and if not, flat earth (at least here in Indiana). The worst that can happen is death, no matter what happens and honestly, it’s always there anyway. Even death, as permanent and terrifying that is, is an eventual release of misery and panic. Even though I just got hit super hard with the feeling of dread that rocks me to my core and makes me cry for a moment.. I just realize that no matter what I do, someday I won’t exist and it fucking scares me. I’m gasping and crying out in terror, looking out in the abyss right now.

That’s the thing that has been the hardest these last several years. Around the time I was with Elaine, I started to have these feelings of mortality, of extensional angst before going to sleep. I started hating sleep as I likened it to death. Being unaware of one’s self and time passing. I’m forcing myself to write about it right now even though it’s easier to distract and shove it away. I just get to thinking that me, myself, and all that I am, me perceiving the world will some day no longer exist and that I’ll be dead forever, for eternity. I’m bawling my eyes out right now, I hate it so much. That no matter what I do, I’ll be at that moment of death and no longer exist anymore.

I’m so sad. Everyone I know and love, everything I know and who I am will just no longer be here and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I’m trembling and it’s hard to type. During my divorce when I lived with Lo, I’d suddenly wake up in the middle of the night and just feel this terror, it hits so hard that I audibly whimper, I have a few times during this episode already and it hit like a freight train. More nights than not, I woke up and felt this. I’d wake up Lo and have a discussion about death. It’d eventually pass and I’d go back to sleep.

Man, that just hit me and it was immediate. I’m still trembling a bit but coming back down. Sitting here with this tobacco in my mouth that’ll likely lead me to a very painful and early death. Cancer sounds terrible and yet, I cling to tobacco as a crutch to somehow help with anxiety and mortality, how does that work?

I don’t know what this experience and feeling is. I think that on a certain level it’s anxiety manifesting in a different way and having a sudden panic attack that comes and passes. Maybe it’s the root of the entirety of my anxiety and panic disorder and I’m getting to the seed of it. At least for me, that’s my seed. My anxiety isn’t about embarrassing myself or letting people down, it’s dying, really. It’s about being in the car or away from home, feeling “trapped” and unable to get help.

If I could somehow overcome and accept death, or at least get a more solid spiritual framework, I think it would really help me. Because other than the discomfort of the anxiety itself, what really would there be to panic about if I didn’t fear, or if death didn’t bother me as much? The afterlife seems so incredibly nice to believe in as long as you take out the hell part in some belief systems. But I mean… even in hell, you are still existing in some way, right?

As a thought experiment, would it be more preferrable to just not exist or experience eternal damnation? On one hand, you just wouldn’t exist, so it wouldn’t matter. It’d be like it was before you were born, which if you try and think about it it’s weird. In fact, thinking about that makes me want to throw myself into another panic as lol. I can’t make sense of before I was born an if that what it is like, that sounds terrifying, right? Or does it? Is it terrifying? Does terror even exist? Now I’m starting to cry again.

No, if I strongly believed in God or some sort of solid religious or spiritual framework, I wouldn’t have to feel this, or if I just accepted death, some fucking how. I just turned 35, is this what a midlife crisis looks like? LOL. Most old people when interviewed say that death doesn’t bother them, that’s comforting in a way.

Ironically, I think some of it for me is feeling like I’ve missed out on so much and these fears of mortality effect me the most when I’m in the agoraphobic state. I can remember living alone and living alone in the RV in Lafayette. I experienced some lonely nights and some anxiety, but I didn’t wake up or consider death this often. I think some of it is the fear of just being stuck here and not being able to experience more, to experience enough, you know? Bastard of a Catch 22, right? Anxious about going places as I’d die, anxious staying home because I’m just at home and doing fuck all. Lol.

I think under a lot of my hurt and anger that it was, and still is to an extent sad that Amanda and I didn’t work out. I’m sad that I was emotionally closed off and I’m sad that I had just gotten married and how quickly it fell apart. I’m sad that my kid is no longer in my life and I’m upset with myself that I agreed to an open relationship, even though in retrospect, there seems that there was no way it wouldn’t of eventually happened knowing who is she now and how I was being used to replace someone else, the rebound.

I’m a VERY different person now in some regards for damn sure. More emotionally mature in some ways, some more work needed in others. Kind of an obvious comment as duh, the only constant is change, but still, it’s reassuring and how I craft my story to make myself the hero.

I had never been so sad, my soul ripped open and it poured out of me, but even then, the tears stopped eventually and it felt good to have cried, crumpled up on the floor in front of our family portrait. She never saw me in that, and I don’t think she cared, or she did, but someone else was more important and tending to their tummy aches and stomach bleeding due to self imposed alcoholism after gastric bypass surgery was much more important. No, I wasn’t the right person, and she wasn’t for me, no matter how much I wanted it to work and how I felt for her at the time.

I bring it up not because I’m currently missing her or anything, it’s always coming back to this round of agoraphobia and the anger and frustration being thrown back into it these last few years due to the extreme stress and trauma I experienced.

It was just a super fucked up situation and I couldn’t think of anything more addictive to the emotional addict than NRE and a love triangle. I know because I felt it and empathed off of that shit, hard and somehow knew the end of things.

Anyway, I’d do well to listen to come christian sermons this week and build up some of that emotional and spiritual fortitude. It’s just been so nice, regardless of the contents of my writing, to be relatively free from anxiety and stress these last few months. Things come up here and there, but really, it’s been so much better and calmer lately; a reason why I think that bit of mortality panic is trying to hard to tear though. It’ll be alright, Ross, I got you!

We are now at a steady state temperature, the heat pump is stable at 106F and the bedroom, front is settled at 69F, nice. It feels just a tiny bit chilly, but comfortable. Self note, the heat pump is on Turbo fan speed and 76F thermostat.