I can’t even, lol (on cutting off toxic family members)

Oh man, what a day. Thankfully, I have the next two days off work for some R&R, so that’s nice. Today was good, overall; played some Sims, got a good workday in.

Jade drama, round 2. She had been asking mom, repeatedly, if her asshat abuser of a boyfriend is allowed over. The answer was no. Not only a no, but a no so far as mom was worried that she’d go off on him. Not that it should have even be a question as Jade already knows that if I, or Keva sees him around here; it isn’t gonna be a good time.

Instead of an Ok, or anything else, I get a “Mom said he could”, which is an outright lie. Bitch, I literally talked to her on the way in, and out of the restaurant. See, if you want to piss off a narcissist, point out their lies.

So I received a “Fuck you” and that I was some 35 year old man child. For what, I’m not quite sure. Excuse me for not being alright with some dude that I already told NOT to invite into my home awhile back but she beings him in my home anyway, beat her twice; most recently as last week and is a loose cannon with the cutting and suicidal attention seeking, manipulation bullshit.

What really pissed me off is that she immediately tried pointing at me and saying I was the only one uncomfortable with him around, LOL. It was an intentional jab, gaslighting of sorts to try and make me feel bad.

This spilled into the group chat with mom, the next thing said that mom was a liar, lol. Like, I can’t even. You have to be either intentionally malicious, or pretty fucked up to believe your own lies so quickly, and have them change so rapidly. Again, classic trademark of a narcissist, BPD, Bi-Polar, whatever.

No dude, I refuse to believe that it isn’t intentional and she’s fully aware of what she is doing. She may not ultimately know what she is doing, at least in the mid to long term, but god damn. How fucking stupid do you have to be to blatantly lie and change that lie on a dime? Is it to save face, or what? Like, I just don’t get it.

No, it’s more like she moves out, mom puts a lot of time and effort getting her old room into a home office, then she wakes up one morning with Jade having thrown all of her shit in the hallway and it’s suddenly her room again. Or mom’s wicker basket disappearing and “no one knows what happened to it” instead of just admitting she threw it away or whatever.

And she wanted to bring up something about how she actually lives here. Um, I’m pretty sure I pay rent. Oh wait, you lied about that the last time I was upset around the last time you got beat and wasted everyone’s time and didn’t do anything about it.

Nah, she’s toxic af. She cheats on people and blames the people she cheats on with, then runs back to the person she cheated on and like, enjoys the beating or whatever the fuck she’s into. Hey, I don’t kink shame, but like, maybe get beat more ethically.

I don’t know, dude. And of course, dear reader, one wonders why I cracked open the door again. See, I’ve been working in therapy to try and not be so black and white and just not cut people off and “burn bridges” as mom puts it. Balancing boundaries and trying to understand, have empathy is hard, it’s really hard.

Some people you just have to cut off, especially when they are that toxic. And the thing is, it doesn’t matter what meds they are coming off and on of, what sob story of “I can’t leave because he’ll kill himself, boohoo” or other shit, you just don’t need it in your life sometimes.

Especially when like… the person insists on putting you and their family in danger, and at the least, totally not give a fuck, at all, for their comfort or piece of mind.

It was the weirdest thing the other night when we hung out. So, she asked for help backing up her phones and such, fine. I brought up two Lighting to USB-C cables. She insisted, hard, that one was hers. Then Mike gets pissed off that his downstairs went missing, she had it of course. It just put me off.

`1. If you had your own, why did you take Mike’s charger?

2. Why did you insist that my cable was yours?

3. and like.. why try to outright lie and try to manipulate, then turn around and call mom the liar? Like, you are already made by then, just stop.

Lol. Again, I just can’t even.

Moving on…

I just really think that she needs to be put on a timeline to get her shit together or move out, that she should stop being enabled. I think a core issue here is that it feels like the fam has overcorrected a bit with her, not that it’s my place to say as I’m not her parent. Like, things were fucking rough during my childhood. Keva had it a bit better, but Jade; she’s had all of the advantages in life. A loving, supportive home, but I don’t feel like she’s had consequences for her actions. Again, not my place, just trying to untangle her behavior, if such a thing is possible.

It’s kinda like… I checked the mail earlier today and noticed a piece of mail addressed to her, a credit card offer; whatever, but reading it and realizing that it was for students and to build credit, it kinda crushed me and hit me in the feels, made me pretty sad. Because like, she should be worried about college and getting out of nowhere, Indiana. And yet, she’s self destructing instead.

But I don’t sit here and say that she should be put on a timeline just because of the bad behavior. It’s also a core safety issue for everyone and a blatant disregard for the people she is living with. You have a kid who is slicing his wrists, forcing her to watch, threatening to kill his family and shit, breaking his hand beating my sister, and a sibling that is lying to parents, trying to manipulate, and is likely even more internally unstable than he is.

Maybe dude’s grandma can put her foot down and ban Jade from his place, too. They can’t like force them to stop dating or whatever, but people need to learn real quick that they don’t own the places they are staying in rent free and do whatever the fuck they want. It doesn’t matter that they are “adults” 20 somethings, fuck, it’s even MORE REASON to have some fucking boundaries and rules, cuz like, adults need to be treated like adults, right?

Like, fuck Jayden for hitting women, but also, like his grandmother said, they are some scary people to know that are around when together. I think after talking to Eli, not that he is a saint, either, and knowing what happened with Cameron and the lies, cheating that happened with him; I think Jade is the core issue here, the instigator. Not that she deserved to be beat, and Jayden should be facing charges for what he did, but since she’s chosen to not only not do anything, but perpetuate the situation, I find her just as culpable as he is, on some level, as she’s choosing to enable, and support the behavior.

Some of it may just be fucked up teens these days, also. Like, Jade isn’t an ugly kid or anything, it’s not like she couldn’t do better. I just don’t get why she wants to waste her time and want to get beat, because there’s really no other explanation for it other than she likes getting beat.

Just, for fucks sake, go get beat on your own; don’t fucking drag your family into it.

But no, that door is never going to open again. Fuck me once, fuck me twice, but three times, no thank you. It’s just kinda sad because like, I felt bad for her and it’s why I tried letting her in again; but after tonight, no. I no longer feel bad for her. It’s intentional and lacking any respect for anyone but herself. I don’t tolerate that and I don’t need asshole people like that in my life, family or not.

I just wish mom didn’t get the blunt end of the stick, but just like Jade, I can’t force her to do anything about it, either. I just hope she can figure out some way to stop enabling her. “I’m gonna kill myself” or whatever is such an overdone manipulation that I think that’s the thing that repulses me the most. They either do it, well, they chose it, but 99.99% of the time, it’s something that is said just to get a rise out of people, to make you feel bad for them and in this case, it’s totally a manipulation.

It’s a manipulation because like… the bar is pretty fucking low here. Like, just don’t bring him to the house. Go get beat, get your rocks off on it. The family has already accepted it, but stop pushing. Stop trying to put people in danger. Stop lying, stop manipulating. Stop telling your family “fuck you” like a little crybaby because you think you are the main character on the planet. If I did a quarter of the shit she gets away with, I’d be kicked out of here so fast my head would spin, as would the other kids (and have in the past). There’s only so much care and understanding you can possibly give someone intentionally choosing unhealthy behavior.

But anyway, fuck all of this shit; I’m off work tomorrow and I can rest easy knowing I’ll never have to deal with this wish.com teen drama again. FUCK haha.

Queue the intrusive thoughts about Jade going off and stabbing the fam or some dumb shit. I don’t know dude, she likely would do some real dumb shit if forced to leave him somehow. I genuinely fear for my fam on some level and I feel so bad for mom, not only due to the disrespect, but like, the worry I know she has about her.

Fuck you, Jade, for putting our mom and the fam though this.

Second winter, happy St Patrick’s day, hello 4AM

First off, it’s 4am. I was awoken moments ago with some wicked heartburn. My brain and body doesn’t want to be awake right now. My sleep lately has been hit and miss, naps during the day has been throwing me off at night. It’s hard to look at the screen due to how bright it is, or look at anything really due to the disorientation and feelings of unwell echoing in my body.

The first thing I noticed when waking was a hint of sweat, never a good sign. The bedroom heat is cranked up due to it being in the teens tonight. I fell asleep partially uncovered. Thankfully this new RV’s walls aren’t anywhere near as bad as how leaky and radiant the old RV is. The bed is raised off the floor, much less breath moisture collects around our heads at night. No more literal puddles forming under the bed due to condensation, fucking yuck.

Along with my sleep has been weird dreams. Amanda dreams started popping back in a bit. I even had a follow up dream to the initial one where I asked why I was dreaming of her again, maybe there was some sort of spell, or curse cast. I also had a dream about Alex Wooten earlier today, as random as that one was. They were trying to start/lead a counterculture group and the whole thing was coming off as super cringy.

One dream about traveling across the country with my family and due to whatever reason, them flying back and leaving me there to be alone, travel back home alone. It’s a common stress dream for me, being left somewhere far from home and being forced to make it back, alone.

I think apart from my mortality fears and struggles, that’s the biggest underlying fear; being alone. It makes me think of when Elaine moved out and some of those long nights in Lafayette, Indiana, close friends, family living 30-40 minutes away. It makes me wonder how I ever pulled it off, how I tolerated it. I remember some nights waking up with heartburn and how empty the house felt, upstairs in my bed in my three bedroom townhome.

I’d run the shower and sit on the toilet, trying not to think about it too much. I don’t remember writing back then, not publicly anyway as a distraction or outlet. I’d leave home and do night photography. Sometimes I went to the Spot Tavern out in the garden and hung out with myself, playing a game to see if I ran into anyone I knew, associates of the person I had dated for the last few years.

I kept myself busy with projects, they helped pass the time. Dating someone and seeing them every so often helped, too. My loneliness pushed me into making decisions that were otherwise poor; moving relationships along too fast and tolerating red flags that I otherwise shouldn’t. That’d factor strongly into meeting Amanda and living with her way too early.

Some people have asked me, mainly partners, if I’ve ever spent time alone. I refer to that year or so, but lately I’ve thought about how alone I was growing up. Mom was the breadwinner and her husband was a piece of work. I was the oldest and never quite bonded or spent time with my siblings. I remember many, many days alone, nights alone where I’d semi-pretend that no one else on earth existed and would intently wait to hear a passing car or train horn, breathing a sigh of relief when I heard the ghostly, distant train.

Jade says that she struggles with the dark, that she sees shadow people, faces in the dark. I used to when I was younger. Our brains want to find faces in the abstract. Maybe it’s a deeper feeling of being alone, being alone spiritually, or the uncomfortable truth that we all are ultimately alone on some level.

It’s important to remember that we are also never alone. We have ourselves. God, if you have faith. If you look smaller, you are always surrounded by life. One comforting thing I’ve brought attention to when home alone when I lived in Indy was that I had neighbors, I made efforts to get to know them and form acquaintances. If the house caught fire, I was choking, or some other emergency, they would be there and I found comfort in that.

It’s been about 30 minutes now, my tummy is starting to calm. I still have a bit of the chalky, acid taste in my throat but I’m less disoriented and can see more straight.

I cursed the weather pretty hard today.

I’m so tired of the winter and being in an RV exposes one to it more. I woke up this morning cold, the propane had run out overnight and the snow was flying, the wind had picked up. Fucking around with propane tanks first thing that were frozen to the ground isn’t up there in my top 10 things I like doing in the morning.

Sadly, the overnight cold froze up the water supply; no water and I’ll be checking for any damage come tomorrow, as it’ll be…. 40-50 degrees, lol. We shall see.

If all goes well, it should be in the mid 50’s as far out as one could see, with 60 degree days becoming more common next month. I just have to hold in there just a little longer. Of course, then it’ll be tornado season, but I’d rather deal with bad, warm weather than cold, frozen everything. You can head into a basement when the sirens go off, you can’t just head into a basement to make 0 degree windchill go away.

As far as switching back to the Apple ecosystem, I fucking love it. I’m sitting here on my MacBook Pro that I exchanged the MacBook Air for, I needed more RAM for work. My Apple Watch is on my wrist, iPad is charging beside me. I’ve been playing Farming Simulator on the Mac it plays well enough and it feels like I can get by with any gaming I want to do with the Mac, Xbox, and Steam Deck.

My bank finally forced Apple to refund the $129 they stole from me and refused to refund, even after calling back last week and going all the way up to Carpe Facto. The Senior Advisor straight up told me that I should just try to pay outside the App Store in the future, lmfao.

But yeah, going back after publishing just to say, damn. It’s nice having battery life again and things just “working”. Regardless of getting ripped off, regardless of the anti-right to repair culture, it just fits my use case the best.

What else do I want to share?

I’ve been focused on going into town by myself lately. Ended up buying a random guy Taco Bell at worked at Harbor Freight as they joked about me getting them tacos; they really appreciated it. I tried, and fell short of going to the post office Friday by myself, made it all the way but the last mile before going back and picking up Kasey, immediately going back to the PO, successfully.

Progress is progress. Warmer weather will help motivate me more, lots more scooter riding and fucking around outside. My hope, and goal is to be on the road to recovery far enough by next winter that I’ll plan to just go to Florida for the winter or something. It’s… 64F right fucking now in Fort Myers, FL and check this out.

Dude, that’s beach weather by Friday. I could be there, right now, wearing shorts and drinking cocoanut water on the beach while on Zoom at work. WAIT, I live in an RV! WOW, I could totally go do that, lmao. What a crazy idea.

Okay, I’m gonna fuck off now and go back to bed. Cheers.

I’m an Apple Slut, again; or how to annoy others with your consumeristic indecision

Once upon a time I worked at Apple while daily driving a Google Nexus 4. New iPhones would come and go, customers would ask how I liked the new iPhone; I proudly exclaimed that while I’m happy for them, I enjoy my device.

In January I lost $129 to Apple due to an App Store technical issue and never received my item. Nor the app dev, nor Apple, nor my bank’s chargeback could make it right and it angered me. It angered me as someone who previously worked at Apple, we didn’t treat customers like that. This issue was also actually an issue, not a Karen minor complaint blown out of proportion.

I sold my Mac, iPad, iPhone, it all went. But something interesting happened.

See, I signed up for Google Fi; I used them a long time ago and enjoyed the service. This time was a dumpster fire and I was one of the lucky ones. Store items not shipping, free shipment items arriving two weeks before paid, express shipping items, customer service who lies and sets incorrect expectations.

Others have their devices stolen by the warehouse Google uses and trade-ins stolen or lost and get billed for never sending devices back. Some people receive boxes with bricks in them, Reddit is full of horror stories and yes, while people usually share when things go wrong, not right, it’s a bit out of the ordinary where it just isn’t bias.

The software experience and using the device was.. alright. There’s some cool things like how it can screen your calls with on device AI. It can wait on hold for you. When calling businesses, it transcribes and displays menu items, gives you typical call hold times, and so on.

You can get messages on any computer now with messages for web, Microsoft has their phone link app; solutions are out there to try and replicate some of the cohesion Apple has in their walled garden.

But the battery life, on fucking everything. Pixel 7 Pro battery life is meh. Thinkpad AMD (the good processor) is very meh requiring charging twice a day, at minimum. Thinkpad quality is very poor, the first machine bowed out 15 minutes out of the box due to a BIOS update that bricked the system due to Lenovo’s own tooling.

The second machine’s Wifi card completely disappears and the cell modem resets often. The Wifi is SOLDERED TO THE MOTHERBOARD, in a Thinkpad, wtf? (not that Apple is any more repairable).

I used my Windows/Android setup for three months. I just couldn’t anymore.

I don’t know about the 12.9 iPad, though; the thing is fucking massive. I will wait for the keyboard and pencil to arrive for a good feel of using it before making a return decision, however.

But it is really nice sitting here with 98% battery after using it for a half hour to watch YouTube last night and writing on my blog this morning. I feel asleep, as I usually do, with the iPhone on and YouTube on. The screen was on most of the night and it’s still at half battery, the Pixel would be dead by now.

Anyway, now if I can just stop switching, lol. But really, I’ve tried the Samsung Fold twice, hated it. Pixel is usable as long as you stay away from Google Fi. Windows laptops are just… meh. ARM CPUs are solidly the future.

T-Minus one

Tomorrow, it’ll be 63! Tomorrow the scoot is delivered!

It’ll be the perfect day, followed by 40 degrees for as long as the eye can see.

Until April or so, with warmer weather more likely on the daily in May.

I hope to spend most of the day Monday riding my new machine.

I just woke up from a pretty hard 2 hour nap, the sun was shining in and warming me in bed, a wonderful feeling. I felt like writing, even if I didn’t have a topic in mind.

I have a feeling that the leftover pizza and some cookies wasn’t the best decision in terms of stomach acid. Some Tums may be in order. I just plugged in the Steam Deck, I may have some gaming to do to keep me entertained this evening.

That’s about it! Not much to report today 🙂

Two wheeled dreams

Once upon a time I had built a camper van out of a Mercedes Sprinter and had a Honda PCX 150 motorbike.

It’s a unit that came from the Purdue Campus, it was a little rough in the fine details, but some goo-gone and a deep clean sorted it out.

One random morning the day after Mother’s Day, everything was totaled out. All of my work, Lo’s car, the motorcycle, gone.

Queue the irony of Lo and I literally having a conversation the night before about the discomfort of things being calm and an invitation for things to feel safe, if not a bit boring.

Behold! The PCX 150 wrapped up in a more “rugged” shell with more suspension travel and Anti-lock brakes. The power plant is exactly the same with possibly lower gearing and some tech upgrades to bring what was my 2016 into the 2020s.

I considered, and opted out of a Zuma 125 due to leg and foot space and the paltry 3″ of suspension travel, it was also doubtful that the bike had ABS, even if the signature tone ring was up front. The ADV, sadly, has a rear drum brake, corpo cost cutting on the smallest of real-world scales.

I’ll once again have a scoot that can top out around 70MPH, which is more than enough for me as I will not be bumbling around on the interstates, this time, with a bit more off-road “adventure” positioning.

I’m going to throw a hitch on the front of the truck and carry it to campgrounds.

The bike weighs around 280 so it’s not like I’m throwing a Goldwing on the front, more like an additional American sized passenger with Big Macs. A cover will be needed and thought about headlights, salt spray has already started to rust my electric bike.

What is it, 23 fatalities per million miles of cars, 1,100 fatalities for motorcycles? You’d think that someone with agoraphobia/anxiety would avoid motorcycling like the plague.


“In the single vehicle accidents, motorcycle rider error was present as the accident precipitating factor in about two-thirds of the cases, with the typical error being a slide-out and fall due to overbraking or running wide on a curve due to excess speed or under-cornering.”

Holy shit, yeah, I’ve done that exactly once before, lol. The feeling of taking a curve too fast and barely making it out of it.

Anyway, I think it’s fun; especially bumbling around campgrounds. The goal is to have an inexpensive and fun way to encourage me to get out and do things and I think this fits the bill for me. One of the things that got me driving as much as I did was the self driving car hobby, I was up at all hours of the night, during work during the day, I basically lived in my car for a few months.

6,000-10,000 miles later of driving alone, yeah. If not a bit extreme in some people’s eyes, but I was basically cured of my anxiety. I drove from Indiana to Key West that following summer, across Indianapolis, from Indy to Lafayette many times, just anywhere.

Just like when I lived in Peru and worked in Kokomo. I worked a delivery gig for auto parts and drove all over the city. Also, I did Pizza Delivery in Carmel.

Wait, you’re telling me that when I have a lull in my life and just stay home for months on end that driving becomes more difficult? That the pandemic led a whole bunch of people to have anxiety and agoraphobia, what?

The goal will be to get my ass out there as much as possible between now and summer, ever increasing my discomfort and radius until it becomes more comfortable. Eventually, discomfort will turn into surprise, then boredom. Finally, I’ll hit comfort when I can drive anywhere again and be so comfortable that I’ll be more concerned with keeping boredom at bay with podcasts.

This is a great watch. It’s hard to be distracted and kept in a state of being emotionally numb by technology when you are forced to pay attention and be mindful of your environment. So much so that a lapse in attention can lead to injury or death. Fucking around with your phone in the country on the drive back and hit a deer? Yeah, it sucks, but you are very most likely fine. Hit one while on a motorcycle? Ha, you’re fucked in some way.

I remember zipping around on the PCX and being forced to be with myself, in my thoughts. At the time was quite uncomfortable with the divorce and all, but it’s the type of mindfulness that’s healing over time.


  1. More than half of the accident-involved motorcycle riders had less than 5 months experience on the accident motorcycle, although the total street riding experience was almost 3 years. Motorcycle riders with dirt bike experience are significantly underrepresented in the accident data.
  2. Lack of attention to the driving task is a common factor for the motorcyclist in an accident.

So many interesting tidbits. now I need to find some good gloves, armored jacket, and some pants that’ll save me from road rash.

And then the wind stopped

If there was one defining feature of the farm, it would be the wind. The constant wind over flat fields and no trees. It’s the kind of wind that freezes winter blend diesel, and Kerosene in the station pump tube (during the bomb cyclone, of course).

The wind cuts through you and makes a warmer spring day cold. It makes a cold winter day miserable, any exposed skin stings. It makes your eyes water and your RV mildly to lightly rock depending on if you have stabilizer jacks. Some mornings, you wake up from dreams where you were being rocked and discover that you were indeed rocking.

A train horn blasted as I was writing the last paragraph, tracks are close enough to see the train through the barren brush outside the window. If the thoughts of the Ohio train derailment weren’t so fresh on my mind, it would be the pure bliss of my childhood home.

Kasey and I watched a video last night on finding purpose in life, numbing, boredom, and the end of thought. Long story short, we’ve externalized our attention and have numbed ourselves, our society has, though technology. I’ve mentioned wanting to find boredom at the farm as I know what follows, if you can get through it. Initially it’s fast thoughts, then slower ones, then the thoughts stop. That’s how you hear your inner voice, that’s who you know who you are.

That’s how meditation retreats, multi-day hikes, travel works. You can’t walk 8 hours through the woods and be glued to a phone or television.

But along with awareness also comes sensitivity to one’s self. There was nothing I feared more during my divorce then sitting with myself because I felt like I couldn’t take the hurt. I’ve never cried like that, I’ve never hurt like that. I now understand that it wasn’t just the relationship or how I felt about Amanda. A lot of it was polyamory, for sure, and being replaced so soon after just getting married.

What it was, I had just come off of a good year of doing the work. I spent a lot of time in the car, a LOT of time, like every day and often at night, sometimes going for drives in the middle of the night. I was doing the self driving stuff and loved it, my anxiety and agoraphobia went away.

It went away like all of the other times I took un-numbing seriously. The time period I’d go on 10,000 step walks. The time period I worked at Advance Auto and was so bored, at first, just standing at the desk.

But anyway, I got to a point of feeling again. What happens is that I’m a pretty soft, sensitive person and when I can feel, the depth of the emotion is overwhelming when things go wrong. And if you know anything about me, it’s not that things go wrong, it’s that they go abnormally, insanely wrong.

Grandma passing away? Uncle was killed the night before her funeral and there’s factors that lead you to blaming yourself.

Explosive falling out and divorce, trying to start up visitation with your kid? False child abuse claims that are potentially, and literally life ending.

Just get married after a partner is distant for a year, hoping they’d get over it and show up in the relationship? Partner gives you an ultimatum to you as person that ghosted them suddenly decided to come back in their life. That’s been the worst one so far.

I also put up with a ton of abuse as a kid. Beatings, lots of mental abuse and gaslighting. I was a very soft and sensitive kid then, so much that he couldn’t beat it out of me. Its the reason why I got into tech as heavily as I did, it was how I numbed and distracted myself.

So, admittedly, part of it is learning emotional regulation and holding my emotions, self safe when I choose to un-numb. The other part of it is having the boundaries and self respect to keep myself out of situations that attack my peace, like how I left home early to get away from Jade’s toxicity.

After all, the whole point of living in an RV and going through all of this trouble is to un-numb. It’s supposed to be this adventure that everyone wants to do to go find yourself. As someone who is also working to heal agoraphobia, it can add a unique twist and require more patience then some people just selling their home and immediately driving across the country.

Kasey and I bump heads a lot and it isn’t a question of if, but when. She sees her friend, and ex-roomate of several years move across the country to a liberal state, seemingly get everything he wants. She sees him magically transition overnight into what she perceives to be bliss.

What follows is a complex set of emotions. One is anger and hurt that she wasn’t the one to effect that change in his life (as she is a caretaker personality type) that sometimes boarders in hatred due to jealousy of his new roommate (as it wasn’t her to “help” him). Another is a long term feeling of needing to escape Indiana and the woman-hating, rights destroying, anti-abortion, don’t say gay political climate really isn’t helping. She also isn’t working right now and is also triggered by feeling trapped and dependent, however queer I am, to a man. And of course, the question of meaningful work has reached pop culture heights of the anti-work movement, throw in some issues with being a gifted child and needing to feel even more like your work is meaningful and you are doing world changing work.. and yeah. And well, her narcissistic, BPD mother is here who attacks everyone else in the family if they can’t abuse their supply. She’s the kind of person that will show up unexpectedly, uninvited, send letters, and so on even though there has been a strong boundary of no contact.

Fine, that all makes more sense now and I see her. It’s just a rather complex set of things that often, it’s hard to keep the big picture in mind.

I think that’s a good stopping point for now, we gotta go do laundry and wait for a package

On the road again, or, in a van down by the river (literally)

It’s taken a better part of half a day but we are officially on the road! We got lucky and found a spot due to a cancellation, the first year the campground has been full up according to my RV neighbor.

It’ll take me some time to adjust fully, but initial impressions are good. We plan to use this space as home base, a fallback spot as we travel due to how sparse campgrounds are these days. Sadly, fully gone are the $300/month spaces that dotted the landscape in 2017/2018.

It’s a bit bittersweet. Our move came out from need instead of want due to the safety issues at home due to my little sister’s actions, I blogged/ranted yesterday on this blog, but didn’t post it to social media. Yesterday was a pretty shitty day on all fronts.

But anyway, I don’t have to care about it anymore and even if we hit the road a bit early, it’ll still be Spring soon.

I’m looking forward to good rest tonight.

Family drama, breaking camp, and getting on the road

I don’t wanna spend too much energy talking about this as I’m more than burnt out, but long story short. Guy beats girl. Guy chokes out girl to unconsciousness twice. Guy cuts himself and threatens suicide, threatens killing himself, girl, and family. Guy entraps girl for a day and a half in his home.

Girl considers police, then no contact, then going back to him. Girl ignores everyone in her family, friends, and their safety to intentionally choose abuse. Girl constantly lies and takes advantage of family. Girl waste’s everyone’s time.

Anyway, I asked for advice on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11796l4/younger_sister_was_beat_and_choked_out_entrapped/

Like, I don’t give a shit if someone wants beat and needs an abusive relationship, some people want that in their life, but once the line is crossed where it involves the safety of other people, for fucks sake. Yeah. The fact is my younger sister doesn’t give a fuck about her family, parents, or what happens to them.

I’ve told mom that she shouldn’t enable the behavior and put her on a timeline to make her own adult, independent decisions on her own, adult, independent ass.

And really, it comes from a place of care. I just feel so strongly due to my own issues in relationships and just have no tolerance for bullshit like that anymore. People say, “but family!” and yeah. But even sometimes with family you have to have boundaries to take care of yourself. And trust me, I told her she needed to pause for a moment and be single after being abused and beat by her last ex, and was around for that zoo.

I’ll miss being home and I’m mad that the time I wanted to spend here reconnecting was stolen from me, but it is what it is.

Moving on from the insane, immature bullshit. I just can’t, lol.

It’s the next day. I had written more, but ended up having a breakdown. I hadn’t been stressed like that since my divorce. The thing about toxic people is that it bleeds all over everyone and everything and Kasey and I got into it on top of everything. I’m just gonna chalk that up to a squabble that spiraled out of control due to my own projection of heaviness, a spiral.

We’ve been pretty good at recognizing them and preventing them, both being anxious and highly intelligent people (not that intelligence helps prevent spirals, but more, what causes them).

I also think that it’d be good for Kasey to have something for her big brain to sink into. She’s like me in that idle hands leads to more thoughts.

Anyway, it’s nice sitting here in my robe and slippies. I awoken from dreams of having ducked into a school basement due to a tornado warning, and woke up to a gentle rocking of the RV due to high wind gust.

Today we move to a campground. It’s not the best place, it isn’t the worst place, but it’s a neutral place that’ll do for now. Far from the wish.com Twilight teen abuse drama and worries I’ll have to wring some guy’s neck, or worse, if he shows up here and trespasses.

There’s still quite a bit of work to do here on the farm. I sold my desktop computer yesterday, so that’s one less thing, I ship another tomorrow. However, there still is quite a bit of organization and sorting that needs to occur. The old RV also needs finished and listed, something that was planned to be done before the drama.

The move signifies being on the road, technically and practically, regardless of where it’s located and how “insignificant” it is (what we fought about yesterday, because it isn’t some grand escapist fantasy).

Reality check, do I actually wanna go fuck off and be across the country? Well. First impression thinking about it is a surge of stomach acid in my stomach and fear. I immediately think of mountain passes with no pull off and the same feeling I had when thinking about leaving Indianapolis.

But past the anxiety, I’ve been to California, Portland, the coast. I’ve been to Myrtle Beach and Key West, Fort Myers. As for RVing, I went to KY. I’ve been to nowhere, Michigan a whole bunch of times, even with intense anxiety.

It’s why I want to spend this year doing more regional travel first and get the wind under my wings back. France Park here in town, Kokomo, Lafayette, a jaunt to Michigan, southern Indiana by Fall to watch the pretty leaves.

Kasey is so incredibly impatient about leaving Indiana and we have disagreements about it, quite often. I’m getting tired of having disagreements about it. She had a pretty bad time when she did visit Brad in Seattle, even if it was understandable why. She feels like she’s wasting time in her life, a common theme for her for a long time now. Her family here in Indiana makes her uncomfortable as her mother has zero boundaries and is toxic enough to take it out on the rest of her family if she can’t entrap and narcissisticly abuse Kasey.

Anyway, I’m getting heavy again and I’m done writing. Things have actually been relatively good until I got knocked off balance quite hard. Fuck me for trying to be a big brother.

New rig first drive, the lost laptop that wasn’t, and a run in with the law

First off, had a pretty long article written that I lost due to the WP editor refusing to save from the last few days, bummer. It is what it is and writing it was still fun.

We hooked up and took the new rig for a spin today! The 5.0 Coyote of the F150 is well matched with the 3.77 gear ratio. Acceleration feels adequate, braking also. Rear sway is a bit uncomfortable, but can be fixed with a Hellwig rear sway bar, eventually. Overall, the truck handles the trailer well.

Fast forwarding, I lost my laptop and thought I had left it in the old RV. Kasey and I went into town, got pulled over for speeding. Thankfully, just received a warning; I’ll need to watch my speed in town. I’m too used to Indy and the lacking police presence, people speeding everywhere.

I ended up driving back.. two other times, first time forgot the keys, second I gave it a real good look, no laptop. Looked in the house three times, went through the truck, was pretty stressed out. I work in the morning and I need my machine!

It was outside on the wagon. I spotted it while looking outside from the RV door, BIG DERP.

Did have a somewhat funny moment as the officer saw my ham radio and dashcam, asked what we use the vehicle for, pointed over across the street and said, “We pull it behind that RV”. I’m glad that I removed the “5g implant activation vehicle” bumper sticker (and accompanying antenna) awhile back. Smaller town folk may not appreciate it, or may try burning down my truck, lol.

The bed that came with the new RV SUCKS! Like, omg. It’s the most terrible bed I’ve ever (tried) to sleep on. Immediate divots that won’t go away, your ribs smash into the hard wood base. Both Kasey and I have had a hard time on it and it’s impacted our sleep quality. For example, it’s 2:30am right now and I’m in the living room on the couch writing this.

Thankfully, our new bed gets here Tuesday! We loved our wrapped spring/hybrid mattress so much that we found another company that makes custom RV King sizes, it cannot come soon enough!

In other news, really happy with how chill driving anxiety has been lately. Turned around the other morning when dropping off the truck but I had Taco Bell the night before, can you blame me? I was also a bit dizzy from shitty sleep. Once we got into town, though, I was more than fine. We even ate out at Applebees, went in and sat down!

Looking back, even in times where I was relatively anxiety free, I still struggled traveling on some level. I enjoyed flying out to Portland, driving to Key West and other adventures, even if I had to take quite a bit of downtime to write on my blog and relax.

I really enjoy the RV life due to having your space and things with you. Like today, went to the supermarket, bought groceries, then just put it all away in the parking lot before jumping in the truck.

Anyway, time for bed!

A little unsettled

We’ve been here for about two months and it kinda feels like being here has started to finally click; for better and worse. I find myself suddenly thinking about how we are in a trailer in the middle of fields from time to time and it makes me think about how strange a sensation it is to be familiar with your home, yet, the environment outside the window changes.

I find myself with an undercurrent of stress this week. New RV has been nice, but it has also come with a ton of work that needs to be done. It’s felt like moving again and my body between lifting, dragging, pulling, pushing, and walking is sore, tired. The cardboard bed in the new RV doesn’t help, there are already dents in this bed from our bodies that isn’t recovering. There is a new bed on order, it has to be manufactured, however.

I also have been struggling with intrusive thoughts of bodily harm. Not self inflicted, mind you, more like sudden images of my arm being broken (bent in half or smashed), or having my head smashed in. This has been going on for a few months and I’m not sure why. I’m chalking it up to a manifestation of anxiety, as often, it’s like a game of whack-a-mole.

It’s what makes recovery from PTSD and Agoraphobia so difficult at times as it feels like you work on accepting one symptom and do the exposure, work, then another manifestation pops up. I try to accept, then shrug off the feeling, then move my attention elsewhere.

Sleeping has also been hit or miss. It’s been a bit better lately, as in the timing and length of sleep. I still have fear of sleep and don’t climb in bed looking forward to it, more like, I distract myself with the sound of YouTube until I eventually konk out.

I think I’m starting to get to the point where I can feel how negatively nicotine effects me, as in, it’s a stimulant and contains a bunch of other shit in it. I’m working on being mindful of my consumption and trying to reduce usage, slowly. Not using before bed or in bed as often leads to better sleep some nights. I use it as a crutch for stress and anxiety and find that I crave it, hard, after heating a satisfying meal.


Truck gets here tomorrow! That’ll be a relief of stress on me as I won’t feel like the RV is stuck here without transport, it also will feel solid, instead of in limbo. Selling the old RV will be next, that’ll take some work for sure. I set myself a goal to have it cleaned out and listed by next weekend, fingers crossed it sells (it should).

Anyway, time to put some shoes on and move some propane tanks

Oh man, it’s nice!

First off, disoriented as fuck. Just woke up with some major heartburn. Apparently eating half a tub of french onion chip dip before bed was a bad idea.

Second, holt shit! Sitting in this bedroom in the new RV and it’s a whole ass room! You can walk around the bed and it has a door! Hanging closet space, the whole nine yards. It’s crazy to think that this is only three feet longer than the Class C, but there is so much more space!

The heated (and massage) recliners are so much more comfy than I thought they would be! The floors, slides actually have INSULATION! I’m in the king bed and there’s room for Kasey and I, Bottlecap to have room and I’m not sitting here feeling the heat leave my body.

All in all, pretty crazy for it being 15F outside and dropping to 10F soon.

I also picked up a heated 100′ water hose, no more frozen water supply

It’s been a day or two since writing the above. It’s been a lot of work moving out of the old RV and getting it ready for storage. We also have a truck coming for towing this rig next week. Kasey will be trading in her car and we’ll be listing the old RV and Jeep.

It dropped to 10F the first night in the camper, we stayed perfectly warm and comfortable. We are burning propane, though, a rather expensive (comparatively) fuel source vs the diesel heater we were relying upon previously.

Insulating the bedroom windows vs plastic makes such a difference, the bedroom faces the open fields where the 20-30MPH wind gusts blow on the RV. The propane furnace also heats the underbelly, keeping poo, water, and pipes free flowing; huge issue in the old rig and a reason why we changed.

Debt is another. While things are pretty intense right now in terms of debt load, selling off the old vehicles will leave us in great shape as the trailer is a ton cheaper than the Class C. It’s just going to be work to get things done.

This is seriously my favorite RV so far! Sitting in the recliner watching TV is A+, especially with the heat and massage on. We also got a great deal as the RV industry is slowing down again.

Overall, the cost of the trailer and the older pickup is less than just the old RV we are replacing. It’s just gonna be a lot of work getting everything done.

I have a pretty big headache now, so I’m going to go to bed

New RV day, frozen & thawed poo, and why does my body wake up early if I go to bed early?

Our new Travel Trailer/RV will be here in a few hours.

A king bed! A TV facing a recliner couch! ROOM FOR TOWELS IN THE BATHROOM! A PLACE FOR ShOeS! STORAGE!!!


It’s the little things.

It’s been 10-20F here this week, the toilet has also been unusable for the past week. Couldn’t drain it, was solid in the tank and lines. I spent a good 3-4 hours defrosting poo, building a little skirt around the RV, and my fav; pouring boiling water into the devil’s asshole (down the loo) and getting a steamy poo facial.

With help from a macerator and a Honey Wagon, we transported our waste in the bed of the Jeep in town for dumping. Yes, I took a long shower as soon as I got back.

We decided to trade in for several reasons. First off, this is more than half less the debt. Momma helped me get the RV after all of my vehicles, camper van, was totaled out and she retires next year. No pressure from her there, it’s something that I want to do.

Second, while this RV is pretty nice, drivable, it’s much lower quality than I thought it would be. Poor to no insulation (which has been the biggest issue), a completely open underbelly (so everything freezes at a hint of cold temps), little to no storage.

I’m so tired of unfreezing pipes and not being able to shit, shower in here. It’s also pretty annoying when we try to do dishes, Kasey tries to do her nightly skincare routine that the water just may be randomly frozen.

I think we’ll be much happier, she thinks so too.

Yes, it’s going to be a pain getting this unit ready for private party sell. Yes, we may end up having to revert many things to stock (and I’m unsure what equipment I want to transfer over). And yes, it’s been a bit of pain trying to work out the logistics on how to accomplish everything, as while we are in the country and you’d think there would be plenty of space, it’s still ends up being a shorter driveway when there’s another RV already here and several cars.

I am fortunate that I found a good place to store this RV in the meantime and that the owner seems very nice. I should have good access to even get a crane in if the solar panels need to come off the roof.

Other random updates. We test drove some used, older trucks to safely tow the trailer yesterday. I gotta follow up later this morning on that.

My concussion seems to be slowly getting better. The ringing has died down a bit, which is nice. I actually went to sleep last night around midnight instead of 3-5AM.

I took today, tomorrow off work so I have along weekend to get shit done and rest, nice. Literally, I’ll be able to shit in my home again.

We have our first summer campground reservation, thanks to momma. France Park said they had 500+ calls from campers wanting to reserve fucking everything for the whole year the moment they opened registration. I fear trying to actually travel and camp is going to be a cunt, sigh. Which leads me into…

Remember solar truck? Yeah. We’ll need a generator, at least, for off grid/boondocking. However…

We’ve also made a pact not to drill a single hole, do any modifications for at least a week, seven days, and just live in the new RV to get a good feel for it. We want to be very mindful and very sure of exactly what we want to do before doing anything. Figure out permanent homes for our things and what we actually want on-board.

No, I never want a massive tilting, insane looking solar array on the roof again. Flush mount solar? Sure. But I found out the hard way that the weight added to this RV’s roof can lead to some sketchy driving dynamics when the wind is gusting up to 35-50MPH when driving. Is it that bad? I mean.. it’s manageable and I think any high profile vehicle would have some issues in the wind. We also could have taken things out of cabinets up high, shifted things around for sure.

We are just tired of fighting so hard with the cold and.. the little things. Like it’s going to be so nice to have a place for towels in the bathroom. We’ll have a place to put our shoes. The kitchen is larger, the fridge is larger. It ends up being the same, or smaller size externally, but since it’s a trailer, it’s all living space. There will be storage outside for camp chairs, our bicycle. The bed lifts up and under it is storage for blankets, sheets.

We will have double heated, massage recliners in front of a fucking TV, how nice is that? Do you know how rare seating that actually faces a TV, where you don’t have to sit 90 degrees, head turned from the TV is in an RV?

We shall know how nice it is here in a few hours when it is delivered.

And on that note, it’s time to get a nap in