Second winter, happy St Patrick’s day, hello 4AM

First off, it’s 4am. I was awoken moments ago with some wicked heartburn. My brain and body doesn’t want to be awake right now. My sleep lately has been hit and miss, naps during the day has been throwing me off at night. It’s hard to look at the screen due to how bright it is, or look at anything really due to the disorientation and feelings of unwell echoing in my body.

The first thing I noticed when waking was a hint of sweat, never a good sign. The bedroom heat is cranked up due to it being in the teens tonight. I fell asleep partially uncovered. Thankfully this new RV’s walls aren’t anywhere near as bad as how leaky and radiant the old RV is. The bed is raised off the floor, much less breath moisture collects around our heads at night. No more literal puddles forming under the bed due to condensation, fucking yuck.

Along with my sleep has been weird dreams. Amanda dreams started popping back in a bit. I even had a follow up dream to the initial one where I asked why I was dreaming of her again, maybe there was some sort of spell, or curse cast. I also had a dream about Alex Wooten earlier today, as random as that one was. They were trying to start/lead a counterculture group and the whole thing was coming off as super cringy.

One dream about traveling across the country with my family and due to whatever reason, them flying back and leaving me there to be alone, travel back home alone. It’s a common stress dream for me, being left somewhere far from home and being forced to make it back, alone.

I think apart from my mortality fears and struggles, that’s the biggest underlying fear; being alone. It makes me think of when Elaine moved out and some of those long nights in Lafayette, Indiana, close friends, family living 30-40 minutes away. It makes me wonder how I ever pulled it off, how I tolerated it. I remember some nights waking up with heartburn and how empty the house felt, upstairs in my bed in my three bedroom townhome.

I’d run the shower and sit on the toilet, trying not to think about it too much. I don’t remember writing back then, not publicly anyway as a distraction or outlet. I’d leave home and do night photography. Sometimes I went to the Spot Tavern out in the garden and hung out with myself, playing a game to see if I ran into anyone I knew, associates of the person I had dated for the last few years.

I kept myself busy with projects, they helped pass the time. Dating someone and seeing them every so often helped, too. My loneliness pushed me into making decisions that were otherwise poor; moving relationships along too fast and tolerating red flags that I otherwise shouldn’t. That’d factor strongly into meeting Amanda and living with her way too early.

Some people have asked me, mainly partners, if I’ve ever spent time alone. I refer to that year or so, but lately I’ve thought about how alone I was growing up. Mom was the breadwinner and her husband was a piece of work. I was the oldest and never quite bonded or spent time with my siblings. I remember many, many days alone, nights alone where I’d semi-pretend that no one else on earth existed and would intently wait to hear a passing car or train horn, breathing a sigh of relief when I heard the ghostly, distant train.

Jade says that she struggles with the dark, that she sees shadow people, faces in the dark. I used to when I was younger. Our brains want to find faces in the abstract. Maybe it’s a deeper feeling of being alone, being alone spiritually, or the uncomfortable truth that we all are ultimately alone on some level.

It’s important to remember that we are also never alone. We have ourselves. God, if you have faith. If you look smaller, you are always surrounded by life. One comforting thing I’ve brought attention to when home alone when I lived in Indy was that I had neighbors, I made efforts to get to know them and form acquaintances. If the house caught fire, I was choking, or some other emergency, they would be there and I found comfort in that.

It’s been about 30 minutes now, my tummy is starting to calm. I still have a bit of the chalky, acid taste in my throat but I’m less disoriented and can see more straight.

I cursed the weather pretty hard today.

I’m so tired of the winter and being in an RV exposes one to it more. I woke up this morning cold, the propane had run out overnight and the snow was flying, the wind had picked up. Fucking around with propane tanks first thing that were frozen to the ground isn’t up there in my top 10 things I like doing in the morning.

Sadly, the overnight cold froze up the water supply; no water and I’ll be checking for any damage come tomorrow, as it’ll be…. 40-50 degrees, lol. We shall see.

If all goes well, it should be in the mid 50’s as far out as one could see, with 60 degree days becoming more common next month. I just have to hold in there just a little longer. Of course, then it’ll be tornado season, but I’d rather deal with bad, warm weather than cold, frozen everything. You can head into a basement when the sirens go off, you can’t just head into a basement to make 0 degree windchill go away.

As far as switching back to the Apple ecosystem, I fucking love it. I’m sitting here on my MacBook Pro that I exchanged the MacBook Air for, I needed more RAM for work. My Apple Watch is on my wrist, iPad is charging beside me. I’ve been playing Farming Simulator on the Mac it plays well enough and it feels like I can get by with any gaming I want to do with the Mac, Xbox, and Steam Deck.

My bank finally forced Apple to refund the $129 they stole from me and refused to refund, even after calling back last week and going all the way up to Carpe Facto. The Senior Advisor straight up told me that I should just try to pay outside the App Store in the future, lmfao.

But yeah, going back after publishing just to say, damn. It’s nice having battery life again and things just “working”. Regardless of getting ripped off, regardless of the anti-right to repair culture, it just fits my use case the best.

What else do I want to share?

I’ve been focused on going into town by myself lately. Ended up buying a random guy Taco Bell at worked at Harbor Freight as they joked about me getting them tacos; they really appreciated it. I tried, and fell short of going to the post office Friday by myself, made it all the way but the last mile before going back and picking up Kasey, immediately going back to the PO, successfully.

Progress is progress. Warmer weather will help motivate me more, lots more scooter riding and fucking around outside. My hope, and goal is to be on the road to recovery far enough by next winter that I’ll plan to just go to Florida for the winter or something. It’s… 64F right fucking now in Fort Myers, FL and check this out.

Dude, that’s beach weather by Friday. I could be there, right now, wearing shorts and drinking cocoanut water on the beach while on Zoom at work. WAIT, I live in an RV! WOW, I could totally go do that, lmao. What a crazy idea.

Okay, I’m gonna fuck off now and go back to bed. Cheers.

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