And then the wind stopped

If there was one defining feature of the farm, it would be the wind. The constant wind over flat fields and no trees. It’s the kind of wind that freezes winter blend diesel, and Kerosene in the station pump tube (during the bomb cyclone, of course).

The wind cuts through you and makes a warmer spring day cold. It makes a cold winter day miserable, any exposed skin stings. It makes your eyes water and your RV mildly to lightly rock depending on if you have stabilizer jacks. Some mornings, you wake up from dreams where you were being rocked and discover that you were indeed rocking.

A train horn blasted as I was writing the last paragraph, tracks are close enough to see the train through the barren brush outside the window. If the thoughts of the Ohio train derailment weren’t so fresh on my mind, it would be the pure bliss of my childhood home.

Kasey and I watched a video last night on finding purpose in life, numbing, boredom, and the end of thought. Long story short, we’ve externalized our attention and have numbed ourselves, our society has, though technology. I’ve mentioned wanting to find boredom at the farm as I know what follows, if you can get through it. Initially it’s fast thoughts, then slower ones, then the thoughts stop. That’s how you hear your inner voice, that’s who you know who you are.

That’s how meditation retreats, multi-day hikes, travel works. You can’t walk 8 hours through the woods and be glued to a phone or television.

But along with awareness also comes sensitivity to one’s self. There was nothing I feared more during my divorce then sitting with myself because I felt like I couldn’t take the hurt. I’ve never cried like that, I’ve never hurt like that. I now understand that it wasn’t just the relationship or how I felt about Amanda. A lot of it was polyamory, for sure, and being replaced so soon after just getting married.

What it was, I had just come off of a good year of doing the work. I spent a lot of time in the car, a LOT of time, like every day and often at night, sometimes going for drives in the middle of the night. I was doing the self driving stuff and loved it, my anxiety and agoraphobia went away.

It went away like all of the other times I took un-numbing seriously. The time period I’d go on 10,000 step walks. The time period I worked at Advance Auto and was so bored, at first, just standing at the desk.

But anyway, I got to a point of feeling again. What happens is that I’m a pretty soft, sensitive person and when I can feel, the depth of the emotion is overwhelming when things go wrong. And if you know anything about me, it’s not that things go wrong, it’s that they go abnormally, insanely wrong.

Grandma passing away? Uncle was killed the night before her funeral and there’s factors that lead you to blaming yourself.

Explosive falling out and divorce, trying to start up visitation with your kid? False child abuse claims that are potentially, and literally life ending.

Just get married after a partner is distant for a year, hoping they’d get over it and show up in the relationship? Partner gives you an ultimatum to you as person that ghosted them suddenly decided to come back in their life. That’s been the worst one so far.

I also put up with a ton of abuse as a kid. Beatings, lots of mental abuse and gaslighting. I was a very soft and sensitive kid then, so much that he couldn’t beat it out of me. Its the reason why I got into tech as heavily as I did, it was how I numbed and distracted myself.

So, admittedly, part of it is learning emotional regulation and holding my emotions, self safe when I choose to un-numb. The other part of it is having the boundaries and self respect to keep myself out of situations that attack my peace, like how I left home early to get away from Jade’s toxicity.

After all, the whole point of living in an RV and going through all of this trouble is to un-numb. It’s supposed to be this adventure that everyone wants to do to go find yourself. As someone who is also working to heal agoraphobia, it can add a unique twist and require more patience then some people just selling their home and immediately driving across the country.

Kasey and I bump heads a lot and it isn’t a question of if, but when. She sees her friend, and ex-roomate of several years move across the country to a liberal state, seemingly get everything he wants. She sees him magically transition overnight into what she perceives to be bliss.

What follows is a complex set of emotions. One is anger and hurt that she wasn’t the one to effect that change in his life (as she is a caretaker personality type) that sometimes boarders in hatred due to jealousy of his new roommate (as it wasn’t her to “help” him). Another is a long term feeling of needing to escape Indiana and the woman-hating, rights destroying, anti-abortion, don’t say gay political climate really isn’t helping. She also isn’t working right now and is also triggered by feeling trapped and dependent, however queer I am, to a man. And of course, the question of meaningful work has reached pop culture heights of the anti-work movement, throw in some issues with being a gifted child and needing to feel even more like your work is meaningful and you are doing world changing work.. and yeah. And well, her narcissistic, BPD mother is here who attacks everyone else in the family if they can’t abuse their supply. She’s the kind of person that will show up unexpectedly, uninvited, send letters, and so on even though there has been a strong boundary of no contact.

Fine, that all makes more sense now and I see her. It’s just a rather complex set of things that often, it’s hard to keep the big picture in mind.

I think that’s a good stopping point for now, we gotta go do laundry and wait for a package

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