We’ve been here for about two months and it kinda feels like being here has started to finally click; for better and worse. I find myself suddenly thinking about how we are in a trailer in the middle of fields from time to time and it makes me think about how strange a sensation it is to be familiar with your home, yet, the environment outside the window changes.
I find myself with an undercurrent of stress this week. New RV has been nice, but it has also come with a ton of work that needs to be done. It’s felt like moving again and my body between lifting, dragging, pulling, pushing, and walking is sore, tired. The cardboard bed in the new RV doesn’t help, there are already dents in this bed from our bodies that isn’t recovering. There is a new bed on order, it has to be manufactured, however.
I also have been struggling with intrusive thoughts of bodily harm. Not self inflicted, mind you, more like sudden images of my arm being broken (bent in half or smashed), or having my head smashed in. This has been going on for a few months and I’m not sure why. I’m chalking it up to a manifestation of anxiety, as often, it’s like a game of whack-a-mole.
It’s what makes recovery from PTSD and Agoraphobia so difficult at times as it feels like you work on accepting one symptom and do the exposure, work, then another manifestation pops up. I try to accept, then shrug off the feeling, then move my attention elsewhere.
Sleeping has also been hit or miss. It’s been a bit better lately, as in the timing and length of sleep. I still have fear of sleep and don’t climb in bed looking forward to it, more like, I distract myself with the sound of YouTube until I eventually konk out.
I think I’m starting to get to the point where I can feel how negatively nicotine effects me, as in, it’s a stimulant and contains a bunch of other shit in it. I’m working on being mindful of my consumption and trying to reduce usage, slowly. Not using before bed or in bed as often leads to better sleep some nights. I use it as a crutch for stress and anxiety and find that I crave it, hard, after heating a satisfying meal.
Truck gets here tomorrow! That’ll be a relief of stress on me as I won’t feel like the RV is stuck here without transport, it also will feel solid, instead of in limbo. Selling the old RV will be next, that’ll take some work for sure. I set myself a goal to have it cleaned out and listed by next weekend, fingers crossed it sells (it should).
Anyway, time to put some shoes on and move some propane tanks