Confronting abandonment trauma, one week to go until the move

Kasey left for the airport about half an hour ago, yes, it’s currently 4:28am. I packed up and decided to come to Lo’s house. I did manage to get some sleep in and I’ll be sleeping more here shortly.

Lo works today, it’ll be the first day alone for awhile. Kasey won’t be returning until 1am the day of our move up north. I’m really happy that she’s going, Seattle sounds like a great time and it’ll be good for her to see her best friend for awhile. I gave her the camera to take with her and told her to capture why I should move out West with her in a few years.

The house is nearly done, it’s down to getting rid of the rest of the odds and ends and general cleanup. Thankfully, I’ll have Lo’s help! She’s been such an awesome person these last few years, I hope she stays in my life for a long time.

I’m honestly anxious about the drive up, fuck, I’m anxious about writing about it as I don’t want to predetermine my experience or put effort into making it into a bigger thing than it needs to be. I’m anxious about being at my mom’s, the last time I was there it was when Amanda told me to leave and I spent time in the basement on the phone with her, hearing how giddy she was about the potential of moving in with Kayden while our marriage was falling apart.

I’ve been thinking about what the arbiter said during our divorce, “She’s so mad, Ross”, I must of heard it several times from him. Mad about what? And does it really matter? It doesn’t. Mad about having to take some accountability, I imagine. You can read all the books you want on evil men and demonize someone because your crush came back after abandoning you, but it doesn’t change the fact that what happened was aberrant.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to make sense of from the start, that still nags here and there now is the feeling of being blindsided and the 180 personality change. Now I can just chalk it up to NRE and that makes sense. Like Darla said, it really didn’t have anything to do with me and there was no stopping her fawning over him. I can still take accountability for choosing to date someone so emotionally addicted and volatile, I know the red flags now, I’ve learned how to have standards, boundaries and how to say no.

I had my moment getting into woo and it’s led me to a greater understanding of how self affirming and how much of a self fulfilling prophecy it can be. I think there are good ways of approaching eastern religion, Zen Buddhism and more grounded practice, but I’ve learned to run from people who talk to themselves and attribute their ego as being “spirit guides”.

My old therapist talked about creating characters in your head, make superheros for yourself and ask what they would do as a support and coping mechanism and I think in the correct context, it can be beneficial. But something feels dangerous about going so far to attribute that to the will of the universe. It was NRE with some batshit crazy attribution of the ego as a god of sorts, and that’s the issue I have with most sects of new age religion.

My old landlord ripped apart her family and went through a divorce because her spirit guides told her that her husband owned her as a slave in the past life. Imagine being so insane, right?

Like, I get the mysticism of pulling cards and getting into that space, just “knowing” things and directing your spiritual energy in certain ways. Like most things, there’s a thread of truth there. I just think that it’s important to view it more as a tool to talk to yourself and approach things slightly differently and know that you are the one writing that narrative.

There’s so many interesting things I learned while allowing myself to be in that space, it helped me get in touch with my intuition and while it certainly felt strange at first, almost supernatural, I’ve come to terms that it’s my ability as an empath, social skills, and “tuning in” in a way to the world around me and my inner mind.

Jessica was also quite unhinged, she had these irrational and very strong feelings, all the way back from the day she briefly met me once that we had some destiny to be together, or some shit. She showed me her journals even from back then. If I take a step back and think for a moment, yeah, I tend to attract people and quickly make friends. I’m vulnerable, open in a way other people typically aren’t and found that I had crushes and interest all the way back to middle and high school (that I was completely oblivious to at the time).

In poly, I’ve had people be swept off their feet pretty quickly, often to my determent as they were willing to be far more invested and willing than I was able to be. Ashley got pretty attached super fast, Brooke was a really nice and empathetic person; actually, one of the kindest people I met and I thank her for being there early on. It totally wasn’t her job, but I also don’t have to feel bad because she chose to be there, and she also chose when she was done.

I just think back to my trip to Portland with Amanda. If I went now, if Kasey and I flew out there, there would be a lot more cuddling, holding hands, sex. I try really hard with Kasey to stay physically connected and take time out to make space for that. I think that a core issue of Amanda and I was that I never was quite able to share how I felt about her, with her and even if I wasn’t going to coddle her while getting over someone else, as that wasn’t my job, there could have been much more connection.

I got viewed as the distant, emotionally stoic engineer and that became my identity. Marriage was to “share health insurance” and it wasn’t like I was very close, fuck, even during our wedding. Something was just off, broken, something didn’t mesh well. Kayden ruined us is what happened, for real, because I remember all the time early on we did spend cuddling and physically close, then once we moved in and she got deep into her depression, there just wasn’t room for us anymore.

I remember watching the last man on earth with her on the shitty leather couch we had and how heavy, unavailable she felt. There was that specific evening that I just knew that things were different and made the decision to just kinda do my own thing, give her time and space to come out of it. But she never did and I got blamed for not being there, then it was flies on shit the moment he texted back.

It’s just so funny on some level that I’m here again, not really, but LOL. Partner is off to see her “estranged” roommate and I’m hanging out with Lo. Of course, the situation is completely different and Kasey and I got a fuckton of cuddles in this morning, but it’s just funny how things repeat on some level. No fault of hers, at all, I’m really happy she’s going on her trip, it provides me with some good space to work through some abandonment trauma from Amanda in a way.

It’s my last week here in Indy. I think I’m going to be much happier once out of here and “back on the road”, or at the least, I’ve proven to myself that I’m no longer stuck here. I’m just anxious about the drive. It’s been three years since I’ve really left the city, well, technically, I have driven down 70 and left Marion County.

This is a good half hour

I just think about how going into town is a 15 minute drive at least. Yes, I know it’s going to be really good for me. Yes, I know that it’s likely going to be so much easier once I’m just out and already there. It’s just scary right now and that’s okay.

We’ll be having to go into town to dump the tanks every few days or so. Thankfully, there’s a free dump station at a park in town which is so nice. France park is only 15 minutes away and once it’s warm enough to go hang out on the beach, I’m going to have such a good time.

No more $2k a month rent with utilities! That alone is going to be awesome. No more fucking crime, worrying about getting shot, and so on. God, I’ve been in Indy too long, I never wanted to live here. Big traffic, roads, interstates, no thanks.

I am worried about being out in the country being so fucking boring though, but that’s perfect as it’ll motivate me to go do things and travel. My family hits the road in their RV for retirement come 2024, we’ll trek the country together.

I think I’m going to end up loosing weight being in the RV, too, which will be good for me. I’m 35 now, keeping health in mind is going to become more important as I get older.

But anyway, I’m tired and should sleep. I have a busy day at work coming up today and I want to do a good job. Goodnight!

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