Semi rant post about other people & how I’ve become comfortable being isolated

A side effect of the pandemic and agoraphobia for me has been spending a lot of time out of social situations. I’ve also built up high expectations of those I allow in my life and have almost a scorched earth policy when it comes to other people’s bullshit. Maybe some of this comes with age? Surely much of it came from polyamory and the endless poor experiences I had with other people’s lacking emotional maturity and all of the drama it entailed.

I’m having a pretty hard time allowing a family member in my life, they are young and make really bad decisions with who they choose to date. They bleed codependency and seem to intentionally choose abusive partners. Some people want to suffer and are emotionally addicted, addicted to the chaos as they are so burnt out due to today’s society of dopamine addiction that they can’t feel much else.

It’s kind of the way things are these days, people glued to their phones and screens, engaging in social media and the worst of them “Tiktok”. ADHD/ADD can certainly be a learned behavior, swaths of children fucked from childhood being placed in front of an iPad with the overstimulation it provides.

Some of it is for sure being older, I think; some get off my lawn vibes for sure and it’s not like I don’t enjoy the distraction and time suck of Rimworld as of late.

It’s just hard for me to not insulate myself against poor/undesirable behavior. I asked said family member to NOT bring the douche they were dating as I didn’t want them in my house and lo and behold, they show up completely unannounced and I ended up with a headache for two days after.

I just don’t have space for certain people and I find myself a bit angry they were in my house and my boundaries were violated. It’s just hard because like, I don’t want to be an inflexible asshole, either, and I keep thinking that there’s a balance there, somewhere.

I think that a big component of my healing has been making my environment safe and that includes the people I allow in my life. My peace is delicate and I’ve become aware of even my own self numbing and destructive behaviors. Awareness is so important, it’s the first step in breaking those mindless routines we find ourselves in.

I also don’t like carrying conversations and take hints pretty strongly that someone isn’t interested or is unable to communicate (not able, as in, their lack of communication skills, not that they are busy or whatnot).

Had a fuckin’ weirdo on Feeld send a random ass pic (with consent) and kinda start a conversation to be chronically unavailable or unwilling to reply. It just kinda felt like attention seeking which I find to be pretty gross. I’ve actually ended a whole lot of conversations in the last few years due to a lot of behavior like that or this expectation that I’m male presenting that I’m going to “chase” or something. Yeah, nothx, I’m solidly queer and not interested.

“unrequited communication”, lol.

Logansport area is a cesspool in general and there isn’t a liberal/queer/kink scene that I could find. I deleted Tinder after doing some recon, not that I needed to as I already knew what it was like already.

I don’t know, I think past anxiety that I’m a pretty strong loner/introvert type. I can put in a strong show and get along with anyone, on a surface level, but find myself with high expectations of those who I let in. Maybe that’s just how it’s supposed to be when it comes to finding healthy boundaries and knowing yourself better.

As for family member, I’m going to try and decrease communication gradually and just not cut them out completely as family is supposed to be important or something. I have made concessions for my parents, even if there has been years I’ve cut them out in the past as I felt like I needed. It’s just so hard, on one hand, to know what something feels like and see someone just keep jumping in the fire to burn, and on the other, be reminded of your own past experiences and not get triggered by it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s