I’ll miss Indy, a little bit

It’s really funny to think how patterns repeat. I met Kasey when she was living with her roommate, that relationship went back to high school and they had been living together for years. We dated for around six months, her and her roommate had a bit of a falling out and here we are a year into a lease.

I stopped engaging in polyamory and dropped multiple relationships in the way that I had been doing them and with that, a vast majority of my stress and the dark place I had found myself in.

It’s nice and quite common for people to have their nesting partner, their primary, their steady person they can ground themselves in while seeking out other dynamics. Some are more open to doing overnights and their partner doing overnights, others would prefer to sleep next to their partner most often, if not only.

I think that solo poly and non-hierarchical polyamory is more of the exception than the rule, and even among those who are solo poly that I’ve met, spoke to preferred to have a nesting partner eventually as their solo poly wasn’t by choice, but things not working out in previous relationships.

What…? Humans PREFER and NEED connection, what?!

I think I’ve finally found that happy medium after all of this time, a little of “old Ross” with something new. Well, not only have I found my emotionality and have had major strides to hold him safe, but I think that I’ve found that ideal medium for how I’ve always wanted to do relationships but didn’t have the tools, or know it was a possibility.

Even going back to Melissa – baby momma, Elaine – someone whom I dated longer than anyone in my adult life, they would have been so much better and successful relationships for me if I knew non-monogamy was an option. I think more than just the shallow view some may have of reducing it to needing to sleep with other people, but the communication, trust, and emotional maturity that is needed to engage in more open relationship styles safely, and with integrity.

Of course, I wasn’t that person then. I didn’t have the emotional maturity or the vulnerability I have today.

Something kinda unrelated, but it became apparent to me last night is that I seem to have struggles fully communicating thoughts and ideas to others with certain things.

This was taken as my company makes BANK on the red tide, which at first glance seems to be a pretty straightforward comment.

It came up over dinner with Lianna and I had more of an opportunity to explain myself. My point was more that I make BANK in so far as technology and social media has been a means to have access to all of the world’s knowledge, but it has also allowed conspiracy, 5G implants, and all manner of bullshit be spread much further than it would have before the internet. Younger generation, Z’ers, young men and anti-feminist rhetoric would be less of an issue without the internet as it wouldn’t of been able to be spread.

Working in tech supports that connected internet reality and I feel conflicted because one hand, the internet is just about our greatest invention as a species so far, but also brings so many negatives as well.

And besides the point, but one could also argue that feminism and all manner of good things owe the internet as well.

It made me think of how disconnected I felt when going through my last divorce and not being seen, and why. Not that all of the blame squarely sat on my shoulders; there was a factor of my then partner not having space for me due to their own issues and preferring someone else. But ideas and our internal worlds can be so difficult to share sometimes and I’m just socially backwards, awkward, introverted, whatever enough that sometimes people don’t quite understand me, and worse, I can come off as neutral, if not more brash and even cold.

It’s one of the reasons why I enjoy writing and my blog so much, not only a good outlet, but also a way I can talk to myself and practice verbalization as I’m much more of a non-verbal thinker and divergent in my thought process.

We have offered to host a poly Thanksgiving and have invited our partner and their partners for a pitch-in. Kasey and I have also talked about how we’d likely grow even closer to Lianna if we had continued living in Indy. I really hope I can overcome enough of my agoraphobia to visit, booking a campground or parking the RV in a driveway would be just so easy and a nice change from bumpkin country.

But honestly, it’s now down to not if, but when as the whole point of this soon coming adventure is to not give myself an exit and live the exposure 24/7. It will be absolutely amazing to be out of Indy, especially in the beginning and for a long while, but there are a few people here that I care about.

Once we make it out to Maine, Portland, Seattle, even Brown Co, Bloomington, the Indiana Dunes, what’s a hour or so down the interstate?

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