It’s been a long time since I wrote an Amanda post, I decided to stop putting energy into it and I’ve been relatively happy. A vast majority of the intrusive thoughts are gone now and I feel like I’ve figured just about everything out, I wrote my narratives and even explained how and why you seemingly changed overnight.
But why the dreams? I mean, I know why, it’s what my brain does after a major relationship and it’s the last part of the healing process, but damn. A few months ago, they were why and such a struggle to be seen. I lost count of the dreams I used to have that were focused around trying to communicate just how badly you were hurting me and asking why, what I did to deserve it.
Now they are different. I’m talking to you now, laying next to you for moments. You’re wanting to work things out, get back together. You, Kasey and I even sat down and Kasey stood up and cried, ran away when you told her we were thinking of getting together again.
It’s about 5:30am now, fresh out of that space, no filter. Fuck, I even asked you why the dreams? Are you sending this energy to me? And you said, with a look on your eye like I should have known and I was crazy for not thinking you could feel anything, “well, yeah, I’m hurting, Ross”.
Amanda went off the deep end in NRE with Kayden and spoke to her ego, autowrote to her “spirit guides” (ego) into hating me and demonizing me. Her personality and complete demeanor changed nearly overnight once Kayden came back into the picture. They’ve been living together, something she said they’d never do, and if I had to bet, I’d say things could be starting to feel a bit ordinary again after what, two years?
But that’s all unfounded assumption on my part and it honestly doesn’t matter. I think it speaks more to my personal mental state when I fall into these spaces and I’m willing to entertain it for the sake of writing to understand. I usually cut it off, mentally, and move onto another task. There is a balance between burying it, and taking time to sit down and process, vs going off the deep end and giving energy to unhelpful thoughts.
My therapist asked me today why I think I have these dreams and why they are hitting me again now. Previously it was due to not being able to understand how someone I trusted, cared about, and that I regretted not being able to be vulnerable and open with could hurt someone like that. I’ve been though some shit in my life, too, but damn, that was especially cruel and cold.
I think it’s coming up as I’m finally closing the last chapter, moving away from Indianapolis. I’ve been here for the last three years, all in the same 10 mile bubble due to agoraphobia. I don’t think I’ve ever had it this bad. December 3rd, the keys are turned in and I’m out of here.
And more than that, I’m in the RV with someone I love and care about who is taking the leap of faith to put in her two weeks and travel with me. Yes, eventually, hopefully finding remote work.
We are going to keep her savings account stacked, her car is paid off and she’s keeping it. She’s in a great place to not be reliant upon me and can hit the ejection seat if needed, it’s a peace of mind both her and I need and it’s smart, mature.
It’ll be really nice to be at my parent’s house and have time to connect with family, my momma and sisters with my hard-won vulnerability and emotional openness I’ve cultivated. Then, hit the road and truly travel, do some soul searching.
I never wanted to live in Indianapolis. Like, Whitestown was fine, it was enough outside of the city at the time. But fuck this eastside inner city bullshit. The people, the traffic, crime, noise, asshole people. Lafayette, Indiana was the biggest city I ever wanted to live in.
I nearly had solid plans to head up to momma’s last weekend, but I got hung up that I’d likely find it much harder coming back here to the point I wouldn’t want to come back. I wanted to move back home all the way back when Amanda and I first started having major trouble, but couldn’t due to the pandemic. I wonder how different things would have turned out for me and my trauma.
But we can ask what if all day long and it isn’t helpful. This is the path I took and sitting here, knowing I should go back to sleep, Kasey gently snoring, knowing she’s going to work in a few hours is exactly where I am right now. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t take the path I did.
And I think, ultimately, that is why I’m dreaming of you more vividly. Moving away from Indy is the last closure, the last chapter, and it’s going to be so nice on the other side of it.
My motherboard for the new computer I’m building should arrive today! I received the CPU, RAM already. The case and new cooler should be here tomorrow. I even ordered some fancy fans with good static pressure to help keep things cool. The laptop sold on eBay and I shipped it yesterday, as did my old CPU. I still need to list my motherboard, case, and a few other things.
Fingers crossed the Nvidia 4090 series doesn’t sell out and is perpetually out of stock when it releases next week.
So much work needs to be done packing, sorting and such. I’ve been lazy and not sleeping well lately. We’ll get it done.
I’m going back to sleep.
Ross Fisher 