Heaven and Hell; preparing to be on the road

Who would have thought getting a blog all the way back together to blog about.. a dream? I had a new house and a neighbor moved in and he ended up putting a brand new motorcycle in my drive, said it was for all of the back luck with the last one. How did he know?

We went on a drive. My family was there, lost relatives. Things just felt… slightly off. I kept trying to use my phone, and text my mom, Kasey. GPS said I was… somewhere in Michigan, 890 miles away. I had no idea how I’d gotten there. Nothing was getting through and I was struggling.

People started to act weirdly. I had a sudden inclination to ask… am I dead? I was tele-visioned and witnessed what was myself from the third person, however, the character of this person was an Asian man. Apparently, I was fixing something rather for someone, and the electricity popped, which caused a part to fly out and remove my head (into the air, in quite a cartoon fashion).

I was in shock for a moment… but then didn’t decide to worry about it too much as hey, I was dead and there was something. We were suddenly in the wild west, I got onto a horse, which I struggled with to pull my leg over for a moment. This is kinda like Westworld, huh? Then everything changed.

There was a woman who looked young, yet, as old as time itself. We were nude. Pleasure, teasing. Then she asked me to fuck her. He said, welcome to hell; we are going to fuck your brains out. Overcame with lust and thoughts that this isn’t that bad, she told me not yet, then returned to the teasing.

I started to think in horror that this could be for eternity, a very long time indeed. That punishment and torture could be a lot worse. I woke up and had the inspiration to write.

The RV is coming along, I finished the solar array yesterday and it’s ready to be mounted to the roof! Peak capture is around 2,600W, nothing to laugh at; it’s a serious array that can power aircon, easily.

I also DIY’d an off-grid water filter, this setup can filter down to 0.02 micron, a lifestraw is only 0.2 micron. The water coming out of this unit is tasty, it’s amazing what it can do to our well water!

I’m more than halfway done with the project now. Some parts have felt a little strange, at least in the beginning as I was buying a few of the same parts I built for the van. It ended up being therapeutic for me as I worked through some trauma around the van.

For the first time, I’ll have someone who wants to travel with me and be on the road! We could go anywhere, and that feels a little overwhelming. Back to Portland, Washington State, Maine, New Hampshire, Canada. We’ll be headed up north to my parents first, it will be winter, after all. I also really want to return to Brown County, France Park before we travel more broadly; get some boondocking in.

Brad, our roommate, moves out this Friday morning. Kasey and I will have the house to ourselves; a new balancing of time and companionship. I think that the transition period has been good for them, even if a little heavy by the time he actually moves.

There’s been a few things that threw me back to the Amanda and Kayden dynamic – not in a romantic or sexual way, people are pretty gay, but that feeling of being the third, the one left out in some ways. It’s tested my insecurity here and there and there’s been a few moments I’ve asked myself why in the fuck I’d get back into this dynamic again. And while they have a really strong bond since knowing each other since childhood and living together for the past several years, it’s actually been healing for me, as again, it’s a situation that allows me to process some previous trauma.

I’ve been out of polyamory for a while now, it’s been so good for me to get out of the dynamic, the situation I was in. I think a majority part of the issue was the people involved in my circle. Not that they are inherently bad people or anything, I’m still friends with Lo and Linley to some degree. I strongly disagree with the sentiment, “all of this was already in you” when it comes to bad behavior. It’s much more situational and people aren’t inherently good, or bad. More like a product of the immediate environment and themes for a period of time.

I handled my transition into polyamory, well, my coercion into polyamory poorly and I’ve come to accept that. I’ve also come to accept that a vast accounting of individuals who find themselves much in the situation I was in have handled it poorly. The seed of wisdom is to expect an ending of a relationship if you try and transition a previous relationship into monogamy, as many turn ugly. It also didn’t help that I literally just got married and my newlywed was suddenly gone in NRE with someone else, yadda yadda.

But anyway, yeah. There’s still room for play there without having to go off the deep end and tend to multiple, serious relationships. I’m experimenting with ENM and dabbling with play and more casual arrangements with my partner. Fully open, consensual, and from the place where neither of us needs the dynamic, only that it can be fun.

So far it’s been nice! More emotionally mature, already partnered people who also want to return home to their partner at the end of the night. Not that we’ve had many experiences so far, or have gone off the deep end; but it’s been a breath of fresh air to engage with other queer, open-minded folk, get to know them, and exchange ideas.

I think, overall, it sounds a bit scary to be on the road, but for some reason, I’ve always wanted to do it, actually, travel. I think putting things in storage and acclimating to our new home on wheels, it is real, is going to be the turning point. I’ve talked to my therapist about it and it isn’t negatively codependent to desire to want to travel with someone, that doing it alone like I’ve had the opportunity to previously, can be lonely, and that be healthy.

After all, home will be where we park it.

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